Today is my birthday.

July 20th.

And no matter what kind of bad times I’m going through, I hope today I can be happy and feel that dreams can come true. I don’t know to which extent it is possible for me to put my negative emotions and worries in a box for one day, but this is for my own sake and nothing else.

Yesterday was a tough day. I worked from 10am till midnight. And I couldn’t eat because I felt nauseated about everything. I ended up eating at 11:30pm, when my mind went completely blank as I was doing my best to work with a smile. At that moment, the only thing that filled my mind was food so. I was relieved even just for a little while. Thank you.

I will pray.

Please leave a happy comment. Whoever you are. It would make me happier than have views and no one saying anything…. -_-

I can’t handle this pain. I just can’t.

I can’t stop thinking I’d be better off dead if I won’t be able to rest anymore.

I can’t stand or stay still because there is nothing for me to think about or imagine.

Nothing….

I feel like I got nothing left.

I feel like life is laughing at me.

I have work today until midnight but…

Even if I were to stay home, my mind couldn’t rest.

I tried to sleep after I took a shower but I feel so nauseated that I couldn’t.

And my mind is filled with horrible thoughts.

I want to be free. I can’t take this anymore.

And it’s not like there’s anyone who cares.

I’m really on my own.

I really wish I could close my eyes and feel nothing anymore.

Ever again. Then maybe I’d be free from this fucking pain.

Sometimes I feel more secure about posting here since less people seem to watch.
When I feel like I can’t turn anywhere else…

Right now, it feels like an incredible pressure is pulling me down.
I know it’s mental, but it makes me feel so weak and tired.
I remember this feeling too well….
The kind of feeling that I want to forget.
The kind of feeling that only one thing can do to me.

This kinda of feeling that makes my life seem pointless.
That I lost the one anchor point that makes my life sane and balanced.
When I lose that point….it’s a no-turn back.
But I’ve been going through this for years now…..and it was only a matter of time before things would turn out this way.

Yet, there’s nothing people could tell me that would change a thing.
Inside of me, it’s like……..I can’t even say what it’s like, actually.
It hurts to a point where I can’t even explain.
And I really can’t eat.
Yet I have to work some crazy day today.
And I really don’t feel strong enough…. And I don’t want anyone to ask me to smile.
I feel so alone.
Alone and pointless.
Like nothing matters anymore. Like it’s the end.
That people are applauding the ending scene to a play as the curtains go down.
And then, there is nothing. It’s dark. Or blank. It’s just the end.

I wish something could take away this ‘disease’ from me.
I know there is no cure.
And I dunno what I’m supposed to do right now.
That’s why I wish so much that my music goal would start moving forward….
I think only music could make me forget these emotions, even if it’s just temporary.
What else did I ever have that made me empty myself from all thoughts?
I’ve never had anything else.
Singing or sleeping (when I actually *can* fall asleep). Those are the two only things that ever helped me not think. In the meantime, the problems don’t go away.
The emotions don’t calm down. So all I can do is use music or sleep to put on my wounds until who knows how many years it will last before I get better.

But right now I can’t see anything.
I’m not hungry.
I feel despaired.
Alone.
And tired.

本当に疲れました。
寂しいです。
すごく悲しいですよ。

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO NANO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<3333333333333333333333333333333

Hello!!!

I just woke up and I’m so tired!!

Mizuki Nana is having a concert this weekend so close to where I live………..
And I can’t go because I’m having financial issues. T_T
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I think she has an amazing voice. And I love her stage presence.
I really hope I can go see her someday. And meet her. XD

I had started a new job but things didn’t work out so well….
So I’m job hunting again!
To be honest, I’m so worried about money.
I know that things don’t make sense right now and I won’t have enough, but I want to believe in miracles just this once in my life.
Somehow, I want to believe things will work out.

I’m sorry that I can’t talk about my friday meeting.
If it comes to something, I will definitely announce it though!!!

But….I had a good news yesterday.
I auditionned for a contest a few months ago.
And I got selected!!!!
It’s the Animax Grandprix.
So it’s an anime song contest.
It’s countrywide and there are 5 different cities where you can go to participate.
Then the finalists of each city will perform again later against one another to decide the winner.
At this point, I’m not thinking very far, I just really really want to go sing on stage again.
I think it will be good practice because I haven’t done it in 2 years.
It will bring back my motivation to want to be a singer, for sure!
I always get motivated the most when I know I have to prepare singing for an event.

And it will be entertaining to see all the people in costumes…hehe. I think it will be fun!

Oh yeah!
My birthday is coming up soon. On the 20th!
I don’t have money so I won’t be able to do much, but I’m crossing my fingers about going to see fireworks on the 26th, hopefully. I love fireworks!!!! And it seems like the ones in Japan are amazing!!! I wish I could get myself a yukata. *sniff*

So that’s my little (long) update for now!
Stay tuned!!! <3

-HIMEKA

Tomorrow is an important day.

I believe in myself.

It’s been a little while since my last post.
How is everyone doing?

Here it’s been sunny sometimes…then raining at other times.
I’m surprised it’s not raining as much as I had expected.
My umbrella is all broken, I should go buy another one soon.

I’ve been running around for a lot of different things, but I’m still alive.

I was getting tired of having my toothbrush inside a bag, so I looked for a toothbrush rack but couldn’t find one. Instead, I got myself this pen glass that has 3 different compartments, so I can put my toothbrush kit all in there!!! Isn’t that ingenius…lol (ok, not really…haha).

I finished working at my other job about a week ago and the Chef prepared me one of his delicious pieces of cake as a goodbye present!! I was so touched….and obviously, my stomach was happy! (I forgot to take a picture…*sniff*)

I found a new job, I’m starting on wednesday but….they’re probably not going to give me enough hours to survive either. So I’m probably going to attempt begging them to give me enough, and if it won’t work, I’ll have to do my best find a 2nd one that could possibly match this schedule….

My biggest worries all the time ever since I came here is about money. I never know how much I’ll have left or how long I can sustain myself here. I do my best but….I don’t have a regular full-time income and that is not helping. So I’m thinking of cutting down on food a bit. Eat just enough to be alive, but no more. That makes me very unhappy because I love to eat, but I don’t want to give up my dream just because I was stuffing my face with food, you know?

If you feel sorry for me, I’ll give you my address and you can send me things to eat!!! Haha…j/k

About music-related things…. I don’t find a lot of new opportunities for me to enter, sadly. This month’s Audition magazine didn’t have many things open for me. Or things I already entered. I’m gonna wait for the next one. I’m still planning to send songs to some karaoke audition thingies, but *gasp* I CAUGHT A COLD. So it will have to wait until I recover, sadly.

I did think I would get some responses for some things, but I’m getting nothing so far. And yet I know I can only give up once it is truly hopeless. Right now I’m still here, so I don’t wanna give into despair.

My birthday is in less than a month!
I really want to go to an amusement park.
We’ll see.

I feel that I just need to ask more of myself. I’m not proud of my japanese at this point. I don’t know how to improve though. I do my best to speak when I’m required to. I try to remember the new vocabulary I learn…and yet…. my grammar skills won’t improve at all. I really hope things can change…

Take good care everyone!!! Don’t give up on your dreams either.

-HIMEKA

On friday, I went to Tennouzu Aisle. I had to go to the Immigration Bureau. But woohoo! I got lost. I find it easy to get lost in Tokyo. But it’s okay. The only bad thing was that it was SO hot. When it’s not raining, it’s boiling hot here! It’s almost summer.

I really don’t take enough pictures. I think I’m afraid to look like a silly tourist..hehe.
The rainy season started, but we have pretty shiny sunny days in between.

I’ve been working a few hours during the weekend somewhere, but I’m quitting after tomorrow. I have a few jobs I’m about to pick from right now, that will give me more hours and a bit better pay. But I’m still unsure about which choice is best. I have another interview tomorrow, so after that, I might know a bit more which direction I need to take.

As any reality is…. you gotta provide for yourself to live. So my priority right now is to work so I can extend my stay. Without money…no rent, no food, etc. My account is getting very low, so I have to be careful. I’m not giving up though!

Of course I do my best to look up auditions that are possible for me to enter. But most of them are demotape auditions…which can take forever to get a reply. I want to find more live ones. There are some auditions with age limits too. And a lot of auditions are open only for singer-songwriters. But erm…I don’t write songs so…too bad! I’ve even seen an audition that refused cover songs that use commercially released karaoke tracks. ^^;;; But anyway, if you ever hear of anything that I might not know about, I’d gladly take suggestions. I buy a magazine called ‘Audition’ that comes out once a month.

But either way, I hope my financial worries settle down soon so I can put more energy into singing.
My only practice is when I go to karaoke box so… it requires money. And so I can’t go very often. I do my best to learn new songs mentally by listening to them at home. Then try them out at karaoke. ^^;;;

Too bad I don’t have any incredible news to give out, but I’ll keep doing my best to find opportunities.

Ciao ciao for now!

-HIMEKA

ゴキブリ。

３～４センチぐらいでした。＞Ｏ＜