HIMEKA in JAPAN UNIVERSE

I miss the green.

And the peacefulness.

I’m not a big city person, I guess. T_T

I want things to progress.

I feel like I’m stuck.

But what I definitely miss is my own living space.

For a while, I lived in someone else’s house and paid the rent for a room.

And now I’m living in a dormitory in Tokyo.

But I remember that before that, I had an apartment. Not big or anything. But big enough for one person.

And I loved it. I loved to have a place where I could safely return to.

If I didn’t want to get out of my situation, I’d never have moved out of my apartment to go live in someone else’s house.

I sacrificed so much in order to come here.

And yet…right now I am just so depressed and uninspired.

I’m sorry people. Please stop giving me long replies with advice.

You are not here. You are not in my shoes.

You really don’t know anything of my situation and I don’t feel like elaborating.

But let me say something. It is impossible for me to sing in here.

So I have no ways to practice. I’m sorry.

Karaoke is expensive. It’s not like I can just go everytime I feel like practicing.

And it’s not real practice anyway. The sound is so loud… I hear the music louder than I can hear myself so it covers my mistakes. LOL. That’s honestly not serious practice.

Please. PLEASE. Don’t try to put advice in here anymore.

It’s pissing me off because I could explain to you all the reasons why I can’t do this or that.

But I don’t bother because it’s annoying.

This internet connection is so unstable it disconnects all the time and I’m typing from a bunker (is that the word??) bed in the dark in a tiny cramped room with 6 beds and odd people smells, etc. I don’t even have the energy to type long replies. Or e-mails to people.

All I can do for free is to take walks.

Walks to nowhere. Walks in tiny streets.

Taking walks is stressing me out too.

I’m so depressed………………I’m so uninspired…

I wanna do music. I have no way to do anything here. T_T

Even with a part time job (because my visa doesn’t allow me full time), it won’t sustain me here for very long.

I should probably starve myself a bit more…. I’m spending like.. all my money on food, it’s not even funny.

I wish I could do like all these japanese people who jump in front of the train.

Then I wouldn’t ruin anything anymore. Just one last time, I’d make people angry for slowing them down on their way to work/school. I wouldn’t disappoint anyone anymore. I wouldn’t disappoint myself either. I’d be done and over with. I hate myself. There’s nothing I can create on my own. I’m this empty shell just living day by day for no reason.

Did you ever wish you were a completely different person?

I hate myself so much right now.

I wish I could be so many things I’m not.

And not be what I am.

With the way I am, there’s no way I’ll ever get ANYTHING that I want.

I kinda wanna dig a hole and hide in there forever.

*sighs*

チョコチップメロンパンは最高！！！！！！！
黒ごまとカマンベールチーズクリームのパンも最高！！！！！

Wow. People misunderstand so much when you don’t explain.
I’m sorry guys (and girls), but my last entry had nothing to do with me being signed or anything of the sort. LOL. Just something happy that happened, that’s all.

I’m feeling pretty crappy today. But it’s my fault anyway. You see, I have these irrational fears and no matter what people would say to me, it wouldn’t change the way I feel. It’d probably annoy me more than anything if people told me what to do or that it’s easy to do this or that. You know… some things are easy for some people and hard for others.

So…. I’ve had these places to call for jobs for days, but I didn’t call. Well, sure I could find other ones if these are already taken but….. I’m mad at myself for being so scared. So obviously I feel crappy because I’m stalling. I’m this kind of person who has mental steps of what I should be doing and in which order. So until I do what I’m supposed to do, I can’t take the next steps that I have in mind. So I’m literally not doing anything. I know I’ll have to face myself and finally do it because I don’t wanna spend too much time without working, because it’s costly. A job here won’t sustain me so well, but the sooner I get one the faster I will earn money, at the very least. But please, don’t send me comments about ‘go and look for a job now!!!’. It will just irritate me more. It’s always been terribly hard for me to look for jobs back in Canada too and I had the same fears there. Here it’s worse because of the phone calls I have to make. They’re supposed to be jobs not requiring me to speak japanese but I’m not sure who will pick up the phone and how much japanese I will need to use to get to reach the person I have to talk to…or what time I should call…or the degree of politeness to use and the fact that I unfortunately don’t master the right speech to do that anyway. I’m pretty sure the jobs won’t be available by the time I call..but sigh. I need to do my best I guess. There’s more worries for me than just those details though, but I don’t feel like elaborating.

I ate this morning but haven’t eaten anything ever since. I’m hungry but I don’t really know where to go or what to eat for some reason.

So today…. I ended up taking a long nap in the late afternoon. I literally wasted the whole day. *sigh* The past few days have been surreal though. In a very good and strange way. I wish I could go back. It’s so sad we can’t roll back time. T_T Sigh. I feel like time goes by too fast when things go well…. I just hope those days will happen again…..

I’m so hungry but…. I feel guilty for wasting money. I’m starting to worry so much.
I want things to progress…. I know I don’t have time to stall anymore…….for more than just work.

And I wish the weirdo in my room would go home already. She’s pissing me off being there and the odd sounds she makes. And the fact that she has no money to live or eat and is still here. wtf. She’s not mentally sane. Obviously. And she’s scary in many many ways. When I hear that odd mouth sound she makes like she’s eating her thumb or something, I feel so irritated for some reason. It’s annoying the hell outta me. I’m so scared she’s gonna end up stealing something something from me. The other day she used something that is mine. >_< She doesn’t have money for anything, so not for laundry either. And she doesn’t shower. etc. Someone else told me that one day she sat at the table at started eating a towel. The other girl there got really scared and ran off. -_- I mean, COME ON. Go home already. You don’t have the money to stay for another week or two. This is just so wrong.

It’s been raining today. I feel kinda depressed.

Why is it that I feel I did something wrong….
I’m so scared that sometimes I’m just too boring and disliked… =_=
I’m scared that things are my fault…

x_x another very boring entry….lol
you’re all probably expecting some miracle to happen…haha
sorry

and btw…I’m not allowed to use msn…mirc or any other chat program here…
I did it at first but… I wasn’t allowed ever. Then the staff complained about the connection saying people must be using programs and what not.
So I felt guilty and I stopped. T_T But I feel INCREDIBLY lonely now.

ありがとう、神様。

OMFG. This room is so hot.

And I can smell…….. armpits. *dies*

Sorry to whoever saw my depressing post.

I guess my only way to cope with things is to whine, somehow.

I’m not leaving Japan yet. Otherwise I will have wasted my efforts for nothing.

I can’t promise I can make things work out there. But I have to at least attempt to do something about it.

There’s nothing awaiting me in Canada if I go back. Just the same old crap as before.

Those depressing jobs, being alone, having no real dream or goal.

I wanted to come here.

I love so many singers and bands in Japan.

And  japanese people are pretty. T_T I wish I were half as pretty as them.

Hey, maybe with surgery??? lol

It’s true that I probably can never learn to love most of the food, but don’t worry. I was extremely picky in Canada too. It’s just that I grew there so I had to learn to like at least SOME food. Otherwise I wouldn’t be typing something here. I’d be dust.

Expect me to whine some more though.

Whining is my special talent.

Wow, it’s 6:45am. I wake up and sleep at odd hours..sigh.

I really can’t sleep.

After a long bit of whining, I’ve finally kicked myself.
I took a walk out to go get myself a cell phone.
To be honest, if I didn’t get one, I couldn’t start looking for jobs, since I had no number to be reached at.
I was so scared.
I thought there’s no way I could do this on my own all in japanese.
Ok. I really SUCKED at it. But I did it.
I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So now I got a cell phone!!!!!!!!!! This is my first cell phone ever. Yay!
I’m so proud of myself I went there on my own. I faced my fear!!!
But each time it requires me a LOT of energy so I can’t do many challenges a day.
But then I kicked myself again in the same day. WOW.
I went to Subway!!!!!!!!!!!!! My ultimate fear. LOL. I thought it’d be a pain since there are so many choices to make at Subway… you know… like bread, toasted or not, cheese, meat, veggies, combo, etc etc.
But I really wanted to go and I was curious to see the differences. XD

So…what’s useful here is that everything is written on the glass bubble for you to pick.
A lot of the choices are written in katakana because they are english words, so it was easy to mention the choices.

The cheese isn’t included here, it’s an extra.
The breads aren’t the same.
They have sesame bread!!! XD

The sauces aren’t the same.
I had red whine sauce.. o_O wtf??? But it was good.
They seem to have the same veggies, pretty much.
Or…maybe they didn’t have a few things but I didn’t notice.
They don’t have chips as an option.
But they have baked potatoes!!!!!!!!! 4 different flavours. OMG!! *0* <3
And the drink size is…TINY. It’s smaller than our small size from here in Canada. XD
But it’s ok. I always thought our drinks were WAY too big. No wonder we get so fat in North America.
And wow, everything was so neatly prepared in little bags and..teehee..sorry. I was just very happy.

I had a hard time but I still got my food in the end. I think the girls must have been relieved they didn’t have to speak english though. When one of the girls saw me, she went to her coworker and said whispered something. Which I can imagine must have been like ‘damn, a foreigner, I don’t wanna go speak english, nooooooo’. Or maybe not, but that’s the kind of thing people did here. A lot of people at my Subway didn’t speak english so they usually hand me over the english-speaking customer (our area is mostly french-speaking, so…but yeah, I speak both so I’m ok. ^^;;;; ).

Oh but seriously. My japanese is terrible. Sometimes it’s chunks of words. I feel so stupid. But I do my best. Sometimes I realize I haven’t studied stuff in so long, so it takes me a few seconds to realize what is what.

Anyway…..now it’s morning and I gotta go shower and head out. I have something important to do today, now that I finally have a phone number to be reached at.

I’ll post more updates later.

Oh. Did I say how much I love the vending machines???? And at least they’re not like the ones where I live. They’re not like..soda. Here it’s juices, teas, energy drinks and what not. Yay for juice!!!!!!!!!!!! <3

Have a good day all. Sorry for being such a whiner.