Did you ever wish you were a completely different person?
I hate myself so much right now.
I wish I could be so many things I’m not.
And not be what I am.
With the way I am, there’s no way I’ll ever get ANYTHING that I want.
I kinda wanna dig a hole and hide in there forever.
*sighs*
チョコチップメロンパンは最高！！！！！！！
黒ごまとカマンベールチーズクリームのパンも最高！！！！！
Wow. People misunderstand so much when you don’t explain.
I’m sorry guys (and girls), but my last entry had nothing to do with me being signed or anything of the sort. LOL. Just something happy that happened, that’s all.
I’m feeling pretty crappy today. But it’s my fault anyway. You see, I have these irrational fears and no matter what people would say to me, it wouldn’t change the way I feel. It’d probably annoy me more than anything if people told me what to do or that it’s easy to do this or that. You know… some things are easy for some people and hard for others.
So…. I’ve had these places to call for jobs for days, but I didn’t call. Well, sure I could find other ones if these are already taken but….. I’m mad at myself for being so scared. So obviously I feel crappy because I’m stalling. I’m this kind of person who has mental steps of what I should be doing and in which order. So until I do what I’m supposed to do, I can’t take the next steps that I have in mind. So I’m literally not doing anything. I know I’ll have to face myself and finally do it because I don’t wanna spend too much time without working, because it’s costly. A job here won’t sustain me so well, but the sooner I get one the faster I will earn money, at the very least. But please, don’t send me comments about ‘go and look for a job now!!!’. It will just irritate me more. It’s always been terribly hard for me to look for jobs back in Canada too and I had the same fears there. Here it’s worse because of the phone calls I have to make. They’re supposed to be jobs not requiring me to speak japanese but I’m not sure who will pick up the phone and how much japanese I will need to use to get to reach the person I have to talk to…or what time I should call…or the degree of politeness to use and the fact that I unfortunately don’t master the right speech to do that anyway. I’m pretty sure the jobs won’t be available by the time I call..but sigh. I need to do my best I guess. There’s more worries for me than just those details though, but I don’t feel like elaborating.
I ate this morning but haven’t eaten anything ever since. I’m hungry but I don’t really know where to go or what to eat for some reason.
So today…. I ended up taking a long nap in the late afternoon. I literally wasted the whole day. *sigh* The past few days have been surreal though. In a very good and strange way. I wish I could go back. It’s so sad we can’t roll back time. T_T Sigh. I feel like time goes by too fast when things go well…. I just hope those days will happen again…..
I’m so hungry but…. I feel guilty for wasting money. I’m starting to worry so much.
I want things to progress…. I know I don’t have time to stall anymore…….for more than just work.
And I wish the weirdo in my room would go home already. She’s pissing me off being there and the odd sounds she makes. And the fact that she has no money to live or eat and is still here. wtf. She’s not mentally sane. Obviously. And she’s scary in many many ways. When I hear that odd mouth sound she makes like she’s eating her thumb or something, I feel so irritated for some reason. It’s annoying the hell outta me. I’m so scared she’s gonna end up stealing something something from me. The other day she used something that is mine. >_< She doesn’t have money for anything, so not for laundry either. And she doesn’t shower. etc. Someone else told me that one day she sat at the table at started eating a towel. The other girl there got really scared and ran off. -_- I mean, COME ON. Go home already. You don’t have the money to stay for another week or two. This is just so wrong.
It’s been raining today. I feel kinda depressed.
Why is it that I feel I did something wrong….
I’m so scared that sometimes I’m just too boring and disliked… =_=
I’m scared that things are my fault…
x_x another very boring entry….lol
you’re all probably expecting some miracle to happen…haha
sorry
and btw…I’m not allowed to use msn…mirc or any other chat program here…
I did it at first but… I wasn’t allowed ever. Then the staff complained about the connection saying people must be using programs and what not.
So I felt guilty and I stopped. T_T But I feel INCREDIBLY lonely now.
ありがとう、神様。
OMFG. This room is so hot.
And I can smell…….. armpits. *dies*
Sorry to whoever saw my depressing post.
I guess my only way to cope with things is to whine, somehow.
I’m not leaving Japan yet. Otherwise I will have wasted my efforts for nothing.
I can’t promise I can make things work out there. But I have to at least attempt to do something about it.
There’s nothing awaiting me in Canada if I go back. Just the same old crap as before.
Those depressing jobs, being alone, having no real dream or goal.
I wanted to come here.
I love so many singers and bands in Japan.
And japanese people are pretty. T_T I wish I were half as pretty as them.
Hey, maybe with surgery??? lol
It’s true that I probably can never learn to love most of the food, but don’t worry. I was extremely picky in Canada too. It’s just that I grew there so I had to learn to like at least SOME food. Otherwise I wouldn’t be typing something here. I’d be dust.
Expect me to whine some more though.
Whining is my special talent.
Wow, it’s 6:45am. I wake up and sleep at odd hours..sigh.
I really can’t sleep.
After a long bit of whining, I’ve finally kicked myself.
I took a walk out to go get myself a cell phone.
To be honest, if I didn’t get one, I couldn’t start looking for jobs, since I had no number to be reached at.
I was so scared.
I thought there’s no way I could do this on my own all in japanese.
Ok. I really SUCKED at it. But I did it.
I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So now I got a cell phone!!!!!!!!!! This is my first cell phone ever. Yay!
I’m so proud of myself I went there on my own. I faced my fear!!!
But each time it requires me a LOT of energy so I can’t do many challenges a day.
But then I kicked myself again in the same day. WOW.
I went to Subway!!!!!!!!!!!!! My ultimate fear. LOL. I thought it’d be a pain since there are so many choices to make at Subway… you know… like bread, toasted or not, cheese, meat, veggies, combo, etc etc.
But I really wanted to go and I was curious to see the differences. XD
So…what’s useful here is that everything is written on the glass bubble for you to pick.
A lot of the choices are written in katakana because they are english words, so it was easy to mention the choices.
The cheese isn’t included here, it’s an extra.
The breads aren’t the same.
They have sesame bread!!! XD
The sauces aren’t the same.
I had red whine sauce.. o_O wtf??? But it was good.
They seem to have the same veggies, pretty much.
Or…maybe they didn’t have a few things but I didn’t notice.
They don’t have chips as an option.
But they have baked potatoes!!!!!!!!! 4 different flavours. OMG!! *0* <3
And the drink size is…TINY. It’s smaller than our small size from here in Canada. XD
But it’s ok. I always thought our drinks were WAY too big. No wonder we get so fat in North America.
And wow, everything was so neatly prepared in little bags and..teehee..sorry. I was just very happy.
I had a hard time but I still got my food in the end. I think the girls must have been relieved they didn’t have to speak english though. When one of the girls saw me, she went to her coworker and said whispered something. Which I can imagine must have been like ‘damn, a foreigner, I don’t wanna go speak english, nooooooo’. Or maybe not, but that’s the kind of thing people did here. A lot of people at my Subway didn’t speak english so they usually hand me over the english-speaking customer (our area is mostly french-speaking, so…but yeah, I speak both so I’m ok. ^^;;;; ).
Oh but seriously. My japanese is terrible. Sometimes it’s chunks of words. I feel so stupid. But I do my best. Sometimes I realize I haven’t studied stuff in so long, so it takes me a few seconds to realize what is what.
Anyway…..now it’s morning and I gotta go shower and head out. I have something important to do today, now that I finally have a phone number to be reached at.
I’ll post more updates later.
Oh. Did I say how much I love the vending machines???? And at least they’re not like the ones where I live. They’re not like..soda. Here it’s juices, teas, energy drinks and what not. Yay for juice!!!!!!!!!!!! <3
Have a good day all. Sorry for being such a whiner.
I f***ing wanna go home.
This is not my home.
AND I’M F***ING HUNGRY, DAMNIT.
Good morning all!
I wanted to do updates but…at the same time, I’m tired.
I’m sorry to say that I haven’t taken any pictures.
I feel awkward to do so….take pics by myself…. and being a westerner, I feel like I’m gonna stand out even more…. like a random tourist.T_T I think people must be used to seeing foreigners here in Tokyo, but still, I feel like I wish I were asian at all… to blend in better. =_= I don’t like the fact that if I do something idiotic, people are gonna notice more. So I become very self-conscious. I guess I’m more embarassed by myself too. Then again, I don’t know.
The room I sleep in is very small and we’re many girls. So it’s hot. I find it very difficult to live with other people……………….. I try to do my own thing but… I really have no personal space of my own…
I’m doing things very slowly at the moment. I’m so scared of going out. Maybe some of you people are braver than me…..but honestly, I don’t find it enjoyable to go to places by myself. And feel like a complete idiot with my extremely crappy/basic japanese. I can get by but…
I’m gonna have my foreigner resident card in a few weeks, I have a temporary paper thingie that I paid so I could try and get myself a cell phone. But I know nothing about cells so I don’t really know how much use I will have of it….. People here seem to live on them. Like.. they walk with their cells open. o_O LOL
I saw an anti-perspirant ad in the train right in front of me. As I was holding the hand thing up above my head. LOL. So like….yeah…they make ads to remind you to use good anti-perspirant in the train cause other people might have to endure your armpit smell if you have to hold yourself on one of those hand hangers??? Hahaha. XD
Then… I bought some sort of snack at the conbini the other day…. And it said ‘Sauce Flavored’ …in japanese. LOL. So……….what KIND of sauce though??? Even after eating them, I couldn’t tell which kind of sauce it was supposed to taste like…..
I had fun watching MTV channel and some other top 100 music channel yesterday. XD Yay for japanese music!!!!!! <3 Well, I can only do that when no one else is in the kitchen though. Other people usually watch tv shows. Someone here likes to watch Sumo wrestling, it seems. XD ;;;
The other day, someone drunk foreigner man from another unit came into our kitchen the other day. ;_; I told him to get out and he said ‘FUCK YOU’. >_< I was so scared…
I saw a Subway!!!! (the chain restaurant). I really want to go so baaaaaaad. As I used to have a part time job at Subway in Canada, I think this is the place where I’d feel most at home. I haven’t gone yet because I think that’s one of the most difficult places to order at. Too many things to pick from. x_x And I don’t know the names of veggies and all sorts of stuff…..BUT I WANNA GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! ;0; I’m a very picky eater so it’s not easy to find food for myself here.
People in Tokyo seem to be very fashionable. x_x I feel out of place. I feel NOT feminine at all. They’re all wearing like… skirts………and pretty shoes or boots. Their hair is so neatly done and they have like.. perfect clear faces. T_T At least from what I’ve seen. Oh and… even guys are like that. x_x I saw a lot of good looking guys. But I’m not excited about it or anything. I mean, it’s not like I can even communicate with any of these people. And wow, I feel incredibly ugly and tomboyish here. Even though I’m not tomboyish at all. x_x But……….I just………don’t fit. With my looks. I’d love to get skirts but…they’d need to be long. And I have a hard time shopping in Canada so… it’ll be much harder for me in Japan. I mean… I have shopping phobia.. if that even exists. x_x
I think I have a bit of crowd fears too. I get very nervous and I feel panicked in the sea of people I find here.
I have a few things to do today…… well, I’ll at least *try* to get a few things done. T_T;;;; I’m getting more and more fears. LOL. Sorry if I’m disappointing you all. XD Singing is kinda…the last of my worries at the moment. Even though I do worry about how IMPOSSIBLE it’ll be to become a singer here.
I sorta wanna go back home. To do what, I don’t know. But I just wish I didn’t have to be here…..
I know I chose it of my own free will but….
Things are just as hard as I had imagined. No… worse. I’ll do my best to try to find a job as soon as possible….. if that’s even possible.
Sorry for all the negativeness. I just really needed to get this stuff out of my chest.
T0T
Please have a good day, all. Or night. Depending when you’re reading this.
-HIMEKA