a CAT Break in HIMEKA UNIVERSE

We leave the house at 5am, which is 3 hours from now.

I decided to take a nap for 2 hours, then I’ll get up around 4 to shower and get ready.

Everything is ready.
Even though I’m not ready musically wise, there is nothing I can do about it at the moment.
I’m flying off to Japan.
Even if I cry about things I could or should have done, we can’t go back in time.
I could keep crying and whine some more.
I could.
But I’m just hurting myself more and more for things that I can’t do a thing about.
I’ll do my best in Japan to find my way through things. That’s the only thing I can do.

And after so many steps, the day has finally come.
I already have many things I should be stressing out about. For life in general and survival.
So right now, I’ll just try to empty my mind and possibly sleep on the plane and such.
I’m going to have a long flight.

I’m very sorry to all the people who kept coming here to support me, because I haven’t been musically active in quite a while. But the whole point of me going to Japan should be for that, so I’ll do my best.

I’m sorry this won’t be a personalized entry….I really wish I could reply to everyone and give you big big hugs… But…I at least want you all to know that you being supportive means a lot to me. Whoever you are, that you are a regular person who comments or someone who comments rarely…or that you’re only a lurker, I appreciate all the support….

I wasn’t planning to sleep at all, but I don’t think I can do anything productive right now. So I will go nap. Please forgive me?

I’ll do my best to keep updating once in Japan.

Please, take good care of yourselves and enjoy life!!! <3

-HIMEKA aka Catherine

I’m sorry I don’t have much time for updates or talking about my days much.

Tomorrow is my last day here so I’ll try to make sure everything is ready….. more or less.
I will admit that..musically wise, I’m not ready at all. I couldn’t even put a demo together….which is a very bad thing. I doubt I can record all that much tomorow. I’m feeling rushed and pressured. I’m very tired.

And most of all, I’m negative. But I have almost all reasons to be.
My stay in Japan already looks pretty dark and pointless.
My situation is far from being ideal.

But anyway…. if I didn’t receive the box to send the modem back tomorrow, I might be able to do an update tomorrow night as well…. if I get the box, I’ll probably have to go send it myself around the end of the afternoon. But I’ll at least make one last update before I leave.

To be honest……..it doesn’t feel like I’m leaving. It feels like something is ending, but that’s about it.
Everything feels like a big nightmare.

Still, I had a nice evening with some fun people tonight.
But now I’m back to my ugly reality. *sighs*

Sorry….

I also apologize to whoever I might not have replied to the e-mails of yet…. It’s not that I didn’t want to, more like…. I’m having a hard time keeping up the beat.

I can’t make promises about the internet in Japan. I’m supposed to have a connection where I stay, but something changed recently and I’m not too sure things will work out……………….
If that’s the case, then I’m terribly sorry…. T_T I’ll still try to give updates every now and then. But it’s not like I won’t have much money to use at some internet cafe if I can’t use the connection at my dorm…

I’m very tired, so it is time to sleep.

Goodnight all.

I’m so sad and tired.

Wow. My mind is kinda blank at the moment.

I apologize for not updating the countdown in the past few days.
I first had problems connecting to wordpress at all. I had some timeout error.
And then I got home very late last night so…. I didn’t update.

Then, I was busy and all that stuff. Please forgive me?

I saw some friends last night and we ended up going to karaoke.
I ended my evening with a yummy bagel. XD

We had a crazy snow storm here on wednesday. Then we had one today as well.
But I’m running away in 4 days to a better place.
Yes yes, Japan is not as cold as here. And there is no SNOW on the ground in Tokyo. Thank god.
I’m running away from here…. XD I’m running away from winter!!!

A little example of today :

Picture taken around 2:30pm

Same spot, picture taken at 6:00pm

And with just that, you can’t imagine the craziness. The cold, the wind, the snow or whatever hail-shit that attacks you in the face as you try to walk or makes traffic jam appear. We could hear the wind in here from inside earlier. Even the front door ended up opening itself (cause it wasn’t locked). o_O;;;

Tomorrow is probably my last real shopping time before departure. I’m determined to make it the last time.

Of course I’ve been doing a lot of other preparations and I try to follow my list as well as I can not to forget to do anything.

I’m finally done transfering all the data I needed from my PC to here. What a pain it was! Especially sorting out files roughly and burning whatever I didn’t need to bring. I thought once I’m done, I’d at least reupload my mp3s here, but I haven’t had time to do it yet, sorry. I’ll do it whenever I find a bit of time.

Bedtime. Goodnight.~

-Catherine

-.- zZzzz

No matter how difficult some things may be, I’m glad I didn’t waste my whole evening because of them.
Even if I cry a little, as long as I keep going, it’s what matters the most. I am strong in my weakness!!!!!

I didn’t sort out my PC stuff very clearly, but I did whatever was required for me to be clear enough to understand where I left it, what I needed to transfer here and what I needed to burn. It was the task I avoided the most, but it’s almost done. I only need to burn a few things left. Then probably install a few missing programs here on my laptop. Phew.

I ran a few errands today. Sold a few things as well. Tomorrow I have a bunch of other things planned. More errands, but I’m almost done, I think. Then I need to do my taxes. I cross my fingers not to owe too much. I’m also selling more things tomorrow. Hmm, and probably gonna try and finish what I couldn’t finish today.

Yup.

Waaaah….
Today : good and bad. Hence…normal. Nothing dramatic.

I caught the bus back home from the mall right on time.
Got myself some lower calories snacks…since I couldn’t go on without snacks.
Some were on sale.
I found people to buy some of my remaining things. Hopefully that will get settled soon!
I was able to sort out a big chuck of my PC and already transfered some things here. Not done yet, but definitely in progress.

I couldn’t find any shoes.
I couldn’t find any skirts.
I hate pretty much all the clothes I have. All the clothes are ugly in stores these days. Or just don’t fit me.
My panini got a bit too burnt (ggrarrrrr)
I walked all the way to the grocery store for this one bag and they didn’t have it anymore. x_x (It’s a grocery bag….but there was blueberries on it. I wanted to buy it to carry my garbage around in Japan since I heard there aren’t a lot of trash cans around. I figured it’s better to carry a nice bag around than an annoying plastic bag anyway).

I forgot half of what happened.

Anyway, I try to follow my list and remember everything I have to do…

Hopefully once most of the things are settled, I can start breathing and possibly sing.

It was my brother’s birthday today (well…now yesterday. March 3rd)
Well, I haven’t seen my brother in years though. And we didn’t celebrate birthdays at home, so… it’s pointless I even remember. ^^;
Tomorrow (now today, March 4th) is someone else’s birthday. Someone I cared for a lot. I wonder how he’s doing now. I wonder if the e-mail I had is still functional. o_o Then again, sending bday wishes is probably pointless after not seeing him in person is so many years. ^^;;;;; Oh well!

Babbles and babbles. END HERE.

Goodnight.~

-Catherine

As I wake up in the morning…
I feel like deleting all these posts again.
When I see how weak and sad I get, I want to shut my eyes and mind.

But I won’t do that. This is how I am. And I have to face myself.
If I run away, maybe it’s easier to forget….then do the same mistakes over again.

I’ll be okay. I’m just tired and stressed out. But I’ll be okay.

*nods*

I know how unattractive it is to be negative.

I don’t mean to sound so sad and angry.

I just don’t know how to ‘take it easy’ as I have so many things to do.
And as things seem to always get more complicated than I first expected them to be.
I don’t even wanna go into details because it’s pointless, but things could definitely go better here.
In a way, I can’t wait to leave. In another way, I’m very scared to be there in Japan too.
I wonder if I can truly be ready on time…

I’m doing my best with what I have to do.
I’m lacking motivation and positive thinking.
I feel drained.

And why is it that all I’m thinking about is FOOD. Honestly.
Right now I’m fighting with myself. I wanted to go get some more snacks but I know I have to stop.
I’m not hungry. I’m just completely obsessing.

Tomorrow I have to go shopping for what I’m missing.
I can’t run away anymore. Even if I hate forced shopping so much.

I suddenly wish I had a big house. And then I’d seclude myself there forever and buy food and eat nonstop. Haha. I think that’s why I eat like crazy. I’m trying to find some sort of comfort. I wonder if eating food truly gives the same comfort than a hug. I have no idea.

I feel so lost inside my head. It’s like…. a mess. I don’t really know who I am or what I’m doing anymore. Like I’m programmed to do things and life is just carrying me somewhere.

Wow. My posts sound more and more depressing. Sorry.

What’s worse is that my relief won’t come any time soon. When I’ll be in the plane, I’ll stress about finding my hotel. Then I’ll stress about finding a place to eat and not get lost on my way back. Then I’ll stress about having to find my dorm the next day. Then I’ll stress about finding that place I have to go sign my arrival in the country. Then I’ll stress out about living with so many people and trying to find some sort of schedule not to bother anyone for the bathroom turns. Then I’ll stress about not having any personal space. Then I’ll stress about finding food that I can eat that won’t make me throw up, since I’m so picky. I don’t like meat nor fish, nor any kind of seafood. Then I’ll stress about whatever stuff I need to do for sending out demos that probably won’t be ready. Then I’ll stress about finding a job at all, so I can survive long enough. =_= Okay. That’s enough. My brain can’t take any of it anymore.

Is it okay if I just cry?
I wish I knew how to get rid of stress.
Everything is a stress. Everything.
I want to cry…
I’m sorry for being so weak.