I’m so sad and tired.
Wow. My mind is kinda blank at the moment.
I shall go to sleep and try to regenerate.
Goodnight all. <3
-Catherine
I apologize for not updating the countdown in the past few days.
I first had problems connecting to wordpress at all. I had some timeout error.
And then I got home very late last night so…. I didn’t update.
Then, I was busy and all that stuff. Please forgive me?
I saw some friends last night and we ended up going to karaoke.
I ended my evening with a yummy bagel. XD
We had a crazy snow storm here on wednesday. Then we had one today as well.
But I’m running away in 4 days to a better place.
Yes yes, Japan is not as cold as here. And there is no SNOW on the ground in Tokyo. Thank god.
I’m running away from here…. XD I’m running away from winter!!!
A little example of today :
Picture taken around 2:30pm
Same spot, picture taken at 6:00pm
And with just that, you can’t imagine the craziness. The cold, the wind, the snow or whatever hail-shit that attacks you in the face as you try to walk or makes traffic jam appear. We could hear the wind in here from inside earlier. Even the front door ended up opening itself (cause it wasn’t locked). o_O;;;
Tomorrow is probably my last real shopping time before departure. I’m determined to make it the last time.
Of course I’ve been doing a lot of other preparations and I try to follow my list as well as I can not to forget to do anything.
I’m finally done transfering all the data I needed from my PC to here. What a pain it was! Especially sorting out files roughly and burning whatever I didn’t need to bring. I thought once I’m done, I’d at least reupload my mp3s here, but I haven’t had time to do it yet, sorry. I’ll do it whenever I find a bit of time.
Bedtime. Goodnight.~
-Catherine
-.- zZzzz
No matter how difficult some things may be, I’m glad I didn’t waste my whole evening because of them.
Even if I cry a little, as long as I keep going, it’s what matters the most. I am strong in my weakness!!!!!
I didn’t sort out my PC stuff very clearly, but I did whatever was required for me to be clear enough to understand where I left it, what I needed to transfer here and what I needed to burn. It was the task I avoided the most, but it’s almost done. I only need to burn a few things left. Then probably install a few missing programs here on my laptop. Phew.
I ran a few errands today. Sold a few things as well. Tomorrow I have a bunch of other things planned. More errands, but I’m almost done, I think. Then I need to do my taxes. I cross my fingers not to owe too much. I’m also selling more things tomorrow. Hmm, and probably gonna try and finish what I couldn’t finish today.
Yup.
Waaaah….
Today : good and bad. Hence…normal. Nothing dramatic.
I caught the bus back home from the mall right on time.
Got myself some lower calories snacks…since I couldn’t go on without snacks.
Some were on sale.
I found people to buy some of my remaining things. Hopefully that will get settled soon!
I was able to sort out a big chuck of my PC and already transfered some things here. Not done yet, but definitely in progress.
I couldn’t find any shoes.
I couldn’t find any skirts.
I hate pretty much all the clothes I have. All the clothes are ugly in stores these days. Or just don’t fit me.
My panini got a bit too burnt (ggrarrrrr)
I walked all the way to the grocery store for this one bag and they didn’t have it anymore. x_x (It’s a grocery bag….but there was blueberries on it. I wanted to buy it to carry my garbage around in Japan since I heard there aren’t a lot of trash cans around. I figured it’s better to carry a nice bag around than an annoying plastic bag anyway).
I forgot half of what happened.
Anyway, I try to follow my list and remember everything I have to do…
Hopefully once most of the things are settled, I can start breathing and possibly sing.
It was my brother’s birthday today (well…now yesterday. March 3rd)
Well, I haven’t seen my brother in years though. And we didn’t celebrate birthdays at home, so… it’s pointless I even remember. ^^;
Tomorrow (now today, March 4th) is someone else’s birthday. Someone I cared for a lot. I wonder how he’s doing now. I wonder if the e-mail I had is still functional. o_o Then again, sending bday wishes is probably pointless after not seeing him in person is so many years. ^^;;;;; Oh well!
Babbles and babbles. END HERE.
Goodnight.~
-Catherine
As I wake up in the morning…
I feel like deleting all these posts again.
When I see how weak and sad I get, I want to shut my eyes and mind.
But I won’t do that. This is how I am. And I have to face myself.
If I run away, maybe it’s easier to forget….then do the same mistakes over again.
I’ll be okay. I’m just tired and stressed out. But I’ll be okay.
*nods*
I know how unattractive it is to be negative.
I don’t mean to sound so sad and angry.
I just don’t know how to ‘take it easy’ as I have so many things to do.
And as things seem to always get more complicated than I first expected them to be.
I don’t even wanna go into details because it’s pointless, but things could definitely go better here.
In a way, I can’t wait to leave. In another way, I’m very scared to be there in Japan too.
I wonder if I can truly be ready on time…
I’m doing my best with what I have to do.
I’m lacking motivation and positive thinking.
I feel drained.
And why is it that all I’m thinking about is FOOD. Honestly.
Right now I’m fighting with myself. I wanted to go get some more snacks but I know I have to stop.
I’m not hungry. I’m just completely obsessing.
Tomorrow I have to go shopping for what I’m missing.
I can’t run away anymore. Even if I hate forced shopping so much.
I suddenly wish I had a big house. And then I’d seclude myself there forever and buy food and eat nonstop. Haha. I think that’s why I eat like crazy. I’m trying to find some sort of comfort. I wonder if eating food truly gives the same comfort than a hug. I have no idea.
I feel so lost inside my head. It’s like…. a mess. I don’t really know who I am or what I’m doing anymore. Like I’m programmed to do things and life is just carrying me somewhere.
Wow. My posts sound more and more depressing. Sorry.
What’s worse is that my relief won’t come any time soon. When I’ll be in the plane, I’ll stress about finding my hotel. Then I’ll stress about finding a place to eat and not get lost on my way back. Then I’ll stress about having to find my dorm the next day. Then I’ll stress about finding that place I have to go sign my arrival in the country. Then I’ll stress out about living with so many people and trying to find some sort of schedule not to bother anyone for the bathroom turns. Then I’ll stress about not having any personal space. Then I’ll stress about finding food that I can eat that won’t make me throw up, since I’m so picky. I don’t like meat nor fish, nor any kind of seafood. Then I’ll stress about whatever stuff I need to do for sending out demos that probably won’t be ready. Then I’ll stress about finding a job at all, so I can survive long enough. =_= Okay. That’s enough. My brain can’t take any of it anymore.
Is it okay if I just cry?
I wish I knew how to get rid of stress.
Everything is a stress. Everything.
I want to cry…
I’m sorry for being so weak.
Today, I completed a step.
Finished sorting out my goods.
I even was able to start packing up some things in my suitcases.
The room looks different. It’s refreshing. I felt a bit of weight falling off my shoulders.
Now I’m attacking the sorting out of the PC.
A real pain.
It’s a real mess in there.
Gotta transfer what I need on my laptop and then burn the rest to dvds.
Then decide what to bring with me and what to leave behind.
It’s already passed midnight as I’m typing this, so I’ll stop here for tonight.
I know there’s still much to be done in general, but a lot of things are done too.
It’s already march.
It’s still the middle of winter here.
It was snowing again half of today.
I miss spring…
Oh spring, where are you?
I wonder if I’m in the only simple mind like this.
Once I’m completely merged into something, an event, a time…
I can’t see the rest. I can only see that. And it becomes my reality. The one thing in front of my eyes and filling my heart and thoughts.
I hate when I dive into something and revive the emotions related to that period.
Stupid sorting out of the PC… it made me see things I shouldn’t have looked at….sigh.
Tonight I really wanted to go run to that person and give them a suffocating hug.
I wondered how things could have turned out like this.
I saw and remembered everything. And then I kept sobbing…then cried….
Too many things I wouldn’t even want to type here. Too many things that can’t be said in words.
Happiness…and sadness.. longing… hopes. Feeling like time was just too slow.. like life was just too cruel. Why did I have to wait so long before I could go to Japan…and why is it too late now….
Why couldn’t I make things different back then, so things wouldn’t have to be like this now…
Why are there things you just can’t let go of? That even if you’d never see them ever again, you just wouldn’t be able to forget. Why are there times when communication has become impossible…..
Of course I don’t want or need anyone to attempt to reply to these questions. They are rhetorical.
But right now my mind is filled with just that… I saw… I read… I remembered….and then everything just overwhelmed me. I wonder how it can be possible to care so much about a person even when things have become so difficult. Even when you know they won’t be in your life anymore. Why can’t I stop caring? Why do I miss this person this much? Are they doing okay? Isn’t there anything I can do for them? Even though it’s over? Sigh.
Please be well…T_T
Goodnight.
I would be in the middle of a drunken party right now, but I decided not to go.
It didn’t seem or feel appealing to me in any sort of way.
Seeing people tonight felt like……..I really don’t belong anywhere.
I wish I could connect to people, but I realize I’m more and more empty.
How can you connect with anyone if you have absolutely nothing to say?
I really eat too much these days….sigh. I wish someone or something could stop me…
Still too tired to post anything detailed about my day.
Just posting for the sake of posting a daily update and continue the countdown.
Tony in a ‘Kozy Shack’?
My newly bought digicam case. ROOTS. Matches well with my ROOTS bag.
Snow again tonight
Goodnight.~
-Catherine