a CAT Break in HIMEKA UNIVERSE

Waaaah….
Today : good and bad. Hence…normal. Nothing dramatic.

I caught the bus back home from the mall right on time.
Got myself some lower calories snacks…since I couldn’t go on without snacks.
Some were on sale.
I found people to buy some of my remaining things. Hopefully that will get settled soon!
I was able to sort out a big chuck of my PC and already transfered some things here. Not done yet, but definitely in progress.

I couldn’t find any shoes.
I couldn’t find any skirts.
I hate pretty much all the clothes I have. All the clothes are ugly in stores these days. Or just don’t fit me.
My panini got a bit too burnt (ggrarrrrr)
I walked all the way to the grocery store for this one bag and they didn’t have it anymore. x_x (It’s a grocery bag….but there was blueberries on it. I wanted to buy it to carry my garbage around in Japan since I heard there aren’t a lot of trash cans around. I figured it’s better to carry a nice bag around than an annoying plastic bag anyway).

I forgot half of what happened.

Anyway, I try to follow my list and remember everything I have to do…

Hopefully once most of the things are settled, I can start breathing and possibly sing.

It was my brother’s birthday today (well…now yesterday. March 3rd)
Well, I haven’t seen my brother in years though. And we didn’t celebrate birthdays at home, so… it’s pointless I even remember. ^^;
Tomorrow (now today, March 4th) is someone else’s birthday. Someone I cared for a lot. I wonder how he’s doing now. I wonder if the e-mail I had is still functional. o_o Then again, sending bday wishes is probably pointless after not seeing him in person is so many years. ^^;;;;; Oh well!

Babbles and babbles. END HERE.

Goodnight.~

-Catherine

As I wake up in the morning…
I feel like deleting all these posts again.
When I see how weak and sad I get, I want to shut my eyes and mind.

But I won’t do that. This is how I am. And I have to face myself.
If I run away, maybe it’s easier to forget….then do the same mistakes over again.

I’ll be okay. I’m just tired and stressed out. But I’ll be okay.

*nods*

I know how unattractive it is to be negative.

I don’t mean to sound so sad and angry.

I just don’t know how to ‘take it easy’ as I have so many things to do.
And as things seem to always get more complicated than I first expected them to be.
I don’t even wanna go into details because it’s pointless, but things could definitely go better here.
In a way, I can’t wait to leave. In another way, I’m very scared to be there in Japan too.
I wonder if I can truly be ready on time…

I’m doing my best with what I have to do.
I’m lacking motivation and positive thinking.
I feel drained.

And why is it that all I’m thinking about is FOOD. Honestly.
Right now I’m fighting with myself. I wanted to go get some more snacks but I know I have to stop.
I’m not hungry. I’m just completely obsessing.

Tomorrow I have to go shopping for what I’m missing.
I can’t run away anymore. Even if I hate forced shopping so much.

I suddenly wish I had a big house. And then I’d seclude myself there forever and buy food and eat nonstop. Haha. I think that’s why I eat like crazy. I’m trying to find some sort of comfort. I wonder if eating food truly gives the same comfort than a hug. I have no idea.

I feel so lost inside my head. It’s like…. a mess. I don’t really know who I am or what I’m doing anymore. Like I’m programmed to do things and life is just carrying me somewhere.

Wow. My posts sound more and more depressing. Sorry.

What’s worse is that my relief won’t come any time soon. When I’ll be in the plane, I’ll stress about finding my hotel. Then I’ll stress about finding a place to eat and not get lost on my way back. Then I’ll stress about having to find my dorm the next day. Then I’ll stress about finding that place I have to go sign my arrival in the country. Then I’ll stress out about living with so many people and trying to find some sort of schedule not to bother anyone for the bathroom turns. Then I’ll stress about not having any personal space. Then I’ll stress about finding food that I can eat that won’t make me throw up, since I’m so picky. I don’t like meat nor fish, nor any kind of seafood. Then I’ll stress about whatever stuff I need to do for sending out demos that probably won’t be ready. Then I’ll stress about finding a job at all, so I can survive long enough. =_= Okay. That’s enough. My brain can’t take any of it anymore.

Is it okay if I just cry?
I wish I knew how to get rid of stress.
Everything is a stress. Everything.
I want to cry…
I’m sorry for being so weak.

Today, I completed a step.
Finished sorting out my goods.
I even was able to start packing up some things in my suitcases.
The room looks different. It’s refreshing. I felt a bit of weight falling off my shoulders.
Now I’m attacking the sorting out of the PC.
A real pain.
It’s a real mess in there.
Gotta transfer what I need on my laptop and then burn the rest to dvds.
Then decide what to bring with me and what to leave behind.

It’s already passed midnight as I’m typing this, so I’ll stop here for tonight.
I know there’s still much to be done in general, but a lot of things are done too.

It’s already march.
It’s still the middle of winter here.
It was snowing again half of today.
I miss spring…
Oh spring, where are you?

I wonder if I’m in the only simple mind like this.
Once I’m completely merged into something, an event, a time…
I can’t see the rest. I can only see that. And it becomes my reality. The one thing in front of my eyes and filling my heart and thoughts.
I hate when I dive into something and revive the emotions related to that period.
Stupid sorting out of the PC… it made me see things I shouldn’t have looked at….sigh.
Tonight I really wanted to go run to that person and give them a suffocating hug.
I wondered how things could have turned out like this.
I saw and remembered everything. And then I kept sobbing…then cried….
Too many things I wouldn’t even want to type here. Too many things that can’t be said in words.
Happiness…and sadness.. longing… hopes. Feeling like time was just too slow.. like life was just too cruel. Why did I have to wait so long before I could go to Japan…and why is it too late now….
Why couldn’t I make things different back then, so things wouldn’t have to be like this now…
Why are there things you just can’t let go of? That even if you’d never see them ever again, you just wouldn’t be able to forget. Why are there times when communication has become impossible…..

Of course I don’t want or need anyone to attempt to reply to these questions. They are rhetorical.

But right now my mind is filled with just that… I saw… I read… I remembered….and then everything just overwhelmed me. I wonder how it can be possible to care so much about a person even when things have become so difficult. Even when you know they won’t be in your life anymore. Why can’t I stop caring? Why do I miss this person this much? Are they doing okay? Isn’t there anything I can do for them? Even though it’s over? Sigh.

Please be well…T_T

Goodnight.

I would be in the middle of a drunken party right now, but I decided not to go.
It didn’t seem or feel appealing to me in any sort of way.
Seeing people tonight felt like……..I really don’t belong anywhere.
I wish I could connect to people, but I realize I’m more and more empty.
How can you connect with anyone if you have absolutely nothing to say?

I really eat too much these days….sigh. I wish someone or something could stop me…

Still too tired to post anything detailed about my day.
Just posting for the sake of posting a daily update and continue the countdown.

Tony in a ‘Kozy Shack’?

My newly bought digicam case. ROOTS. Matches well with my ROOTS bag.

Snow again tonight

Goodnight.~

-Catherine

Tired.

And tomorrow’s dinner got moved to sunday. Possibly. T_T

My face looks terrible.

I don’t have nails after all. But it’s okay.

Goodnight.~

-Catherine

Today I took a long walk to Fabreville to go to the dollar shop.
The temperature wasn’t so bad. But there was a lot of slush. >_<
It’s been a while since I took such a long walk…
It’s good to take some fresh air. (…fresh…well, as fresh as city air can be :P)
I stopped by the grocery store as well. The one I used to go to when I lived close.
Ah… I kinda miss those times. Sometimes I went to get some snacks late in the evening….<3

I had other things to do as well.
But my evening was highly unproductive. ^^;
I think the cold air, walking and wet feet made me a bit tired.

Tomorrow is a day for ME.
I am going to get facial treatments (maybe that will chase pimples away for a while????)
And I am getting my nails done.
Is that unnecessary? Of course.
But I decided to do this.
Just because.

You’re jealous, aren’t you. :DDDD
MAN. I feel like a woman! Or something. *starts barking like Shanaya Train*

Yay! I have a dinner with friends on friday evening. ^^

But I have more important things to do than whatever I wrote here. I guess it’s more fun to talk about the fun parts. ^^;;;; I’m doing my best at organizing my things though. One thing at a time. If I’m too tired, I’ll take a nap.

I hope everyone had a nice day. ^^
If not, I’m sending you a few almonds. (…what?)
Yum.

2 weeks left.

-Catherine

Today wasn’t such a productive day compared to yesterday.

But I still did a few things!

I guess my spirit and motivation went a bit down though…

There used to be a really simple game called ‘Princess Maker’. I don’t know how many of them existed but… I played one of them a while back. You’re this hero who gets to raise this girl from the Gods or something, and you have to make her into a fine lady, etc. I remember how I always screwed up everything and she ended up as a simple housewife. T_T My life is just like that too. You reach a certain point where you think ‘I should have done this instead’ but it’s too late. You can’t go back in time to change it. You will become whatever option is left for you. I don’t wanna be nothing…… I wish it was in my power to become something more than just a person with a simple factory or customer service job. Not to impress anyone. Just because I’m not satisfied enough with this. But I feel like… at this point in my life and whatever options left I have, it would almost take a miracle for me to become a singer. I hope I can do something with my life. I will do my best.

This should be such a happy time for me. If only I had been younger. If I didn’t do so many mistakes. If I wasn’t so alone. But I keep seeing all the things I lost and sometimes it’s hard to face everyday. I feel like a criminal who wakes up one morning and regrets stealing or killing. What can you do to undo anything? You can’t undo. You have to face the consequences. Yet, I wish I could heal people’s wounds. If only my words and actions still mattered. If only the people that matter to me believed them. Sometimes when I think too much, I feel like my heart has just been torn apart in several pieces. So there are times I do my best to block most thoughts. But would that fix anything? If I just stop thinking, will I really get going and fix myself? Would I be smiling again?

I got more plans for the rest of the week. I try to organize things as well as I can. There are times I feel alright, other times I feel extremely stressed out. And then I end up taking a long nap.

I ate too much at lunch today. But it was delicious.

I can’t wait until thursday.

These are pictures I took a little whil back, but I thought of sharing them :

WHO CAN BEAT ME AT CREATING MESSES???? lol. Actually, that’s very shameful.
Sometimes I wonder how I can recreate such messes over and over again. *sighs*
That really destroys my image, doesn’t it? I am human after all.

My lovely mall during the holidays <333
I shall go shopping again for the remaining things I need

Another day, another night.
Goodnight all.~

-Catherine

Today was my first true day off.
I got up early but went back to bed.
So I ended up getting up not so early after all.
I did several things today.
A lot of important things.

To reward myself for working hard, I went to see a movie tonight.
But…………………it wasn’t much of a reward.

This movie depressed me a LOT.
It was some sort of a paranormal psychological movie or something but…er….
T_T The end just killed me.

I should have gone to see something more stupid and cheerful.
^^;;;;;;

Oh well.

I always feel lost after watching something odd. It makes me confused in general.
So I think it’s time to go to bed.

I feel like a lot of things I do aren’t gonna give any results, but there are times some things need to be done.
It should be okay that way.

Goodnight.~

-Catherine

Wow.
I fell for an online scam.
Should I be laughing at myself?
Maybe I fixed it, but I’m not 100% sure.
Hopefully I won’t have to be charged now, otherwise I will have to contest the bill.
Sigh. My stomach hurts a lot.

No. I won’t hate myself. I just felt a little desperate and I slipped.
しっかりしてよ、キャット！！！！！
私は大丈夫なのだ。。。Ｔ＿Ｔ
うん。きっと大丈夫。

-Catherine