As I wake up in the morning…
I feel like deleting all these posts again.
When I see how weak and sad I get, I want to shut my eyes and mind.
But I won’t do that. This is how I am. And I have to face myself.
If I run away, maybe it’s easier to forget….then do the same mistakes over again.
I’ll be okay. I’m just tired and stressed out. But I’ll be okay.
*nods*
I know how unattractive it is to be negative.
I don’t mean to sound so sad and angry.
I just don’t know how to ‘take it easy’ as I have so many things to do.
And as things seem to always get more complicated than I first expected them to be.
I don’t even wanna go into details because it’s pointless, but things could definitely go better here.
In a way, I can’t wait to leave. In another way, I’m very scared to be there in Japan too.
I wonder if I can truly be ready on time…
I’m doing my best with what I have to do.
I’m lacking motivation and positive thinking.
I feel drained.
And why is it that all I’m thinking about is FOOD. Honestly.
Right now I’m fighting with myself. I wanted to go get some more snacks but I know I have to stop.
I’m not hungry. I’m just completely obsessing.
Tomorrow I have to go shopping for what I’m missing.
I can’t run away anymore. Even if I hate forced shopping so much.
I suddenly wish I had a big house. And then I’d seclude myself there forever and buy food and eat nonstop. Haha. I think that’s why I eat like crazy. I’m trying to find some sort of comfort. I wonder if eating food truly gives the same comfort than a hug. I have no idea.
I feel so lost inside my head. It’s like…. a mess. I don’t really know who I am or what I’m doing anymore. Like I’m programmed to do things and life is just carrying me somewhere.
Wow. My posts sound more and more depressing. Sorry.
What’s worse is that my relief won’t come any time soon. When I’ll be in the plane, I’ll stress about finding my hotel. Then I’ll stress about finding a place to eat and not get lost on my way back. Then I’ll stress about having to find my dorm the next day. Then I’ll stress about finding that place I have to go sign my arrival in the country. Then I’ll stress out about living with so many people and trying to find some sort of schedule not to bother anyone for the bathroom turns. Then I’ll stress about not having any personal space. Then I’ll stress about finding food that I can eat that won’t make me throw up, since I’m so picky. I don’t like meat nor fish, nor any kind of seafood. Then I’ll stress about whatever stuff I need to do for sending out demos that probably won’t be ready. Then I’ll stress about finding a job at all, so I can survive long enough. =_= Okay. That’s enough. My brain can’t take any of it anymore.
Is it okay if I just cry?
I wish I knew how to get rid of stress.
Everything is a stress. Everything.
I want to cry…
I’m sorry for being so weak.
Today, I completed a step.
Finished sorting out my goods.
I even was able to start packing up some things in my suitcases.
The room looks different. It’s refreshing. I felt a bit of weight falling off my shoulders.
Now I’m attacking the sorting out of the PC.
A real pain.
It’s a real mess in there.
Gotta transfer what I need on my laptop and then burn the rest to dvds.
Then decide what to bring with me and what to leave behind.
It’s already passed midnight as I’m typing this, so I’ll stop here for tonight.
I know there’s still much to be done in general, but a lot of things are done too.
It’s already march.
It’s still the middle of winter here.
It was snowing again half of today.
I miss spring…
Oh spring, where are you?
I wonder if I’m in the only simple mind like this.
Once I’m completely merged into something, an event, a time…
I can’t see the rest. I can only see that. And it becomes my reality. The one thing in front of my eyes and filling my heart and thoughts.
I hate when I dive into something and revive the emotions related to that period.
Stupid sorting out of the PC… it made me see things I shouldn’t have looked at….sigh.
Tonight I really wanted to go run to that person and give them a suffocating hug.
I wondered how things could have turned out like this.
I saw and remembered everything. And then I kept sobbing…then cried….
Too many things I wouldn’t even want to type here. Too many things that can’t be said in words.
Happiness…and sadness.. longing… hopes. Feeling like time was just too slow.. like life was just too cruel. Why did I have to wait so long before I could go to Japan…and why is it too late now….
Why couldn’t I make things different back then, so things wouldn’t have to be like this now…
Why are there things you just can’t let go of? That even if you’d never see them ever again, you just wouldn’t be able to forget. Why are there times when communication has become impossible…..
Of course I don’t want or need anyone to attempt to reply to these questions. They are rhetorical.
But right now my mind is filled with just that… I saw… I read… I remembered….and then everything just overwhelmed me. I wonder how it can be possible to care so much about a person even when things have become so difficult. Even when you know they won’t be in your life anymore. Why can’t I stop caring? Why do I miss this person this much? Are they doing okay? Isn’t there anything I can do for them? Even though it’s over? Sigh.
Please be well…T_T
Goodnight.
I would be in the middle of a drunken party right now, but I decided not to go.
It didn’t seem or feel appealing to me in any sort of way.
Seeing people tonight felt like……..I really don’t belong anywhere.
I wish I could connect to people, but I realize I’m more and more empty.
How can you connect with anyone if you have absolutely nothing to say?
I really eat too much these days….sigh. I wish someone or something could stop me…
Still too tired to post anything detailed about my day.
Just posting for the sake of posting a daily update and continue the countdown.
Tony in a ‘Kozy Shack’?
My newly bought digicam case. ROOTS. Matches well with my ROOTS bag.
Snow again tonight
Goodnight.~
-Catherine
Tired.
And tomorrow’s dinner got moved to sunday. Possibly. T_T
My face looks terrible.
I don’t have nails after all. But it’s okay.
Goodnight.~
-Catherine
Today I took a long walk to Fabreville to go to the dollar shop.
The temperature wasn’t so bad. But there was a lot of slush. >_<
It’s been a while since I took such a long walk…
It’s good to take some fresh air. (…fresh…well, as fresh as city air can be :P)
I stopped by the grocery store as well. The one I used to go to when I lived close.
Ah… I kinda miss those times. Sometimes I went to get some snacks late in the evening….<3
I had other things to do as well.
But my evening was highly unproductive. ^^;
I think the cold air, walking and wet feet made me a bit tired.
Tomorrow is a day for ME.
I am going to get facial treatments (maybe that will chase pimples away for a while????)
And I am getting my nails done.
Is that unnecessary? Of course.
But I decided to do this.
Just because.
You’re jealous, aren’t you. :DDDD
MAN. I feel like a woman! Or something. *starts barking like Shanaya Train*
Yay! I have a dinner with friends on friday evening. ^^
But I have more important things to do than whatever I wrote here. I guess it’s more fun to talk about the fun parts. ^^;;;; I’m doing my best at organizing my things though. One thing at a time. If I’m too tired, I’ll take a nap.
I hope everyone had a nice day. ^^
If not, I’m sending you a few almonds. (…what?)
Yum.
2 weeks left.
-Catherine
Today wasn’t such a productive day compared to yesterday.
But I still did a few things!
I guess my spirit and motivation went a bit down though…
There used to be a really simple game called ‘Princess Maker’. I don’t know how many of them existed but… I played one of them a while back. You’re this hero who gets to raise this girl from the Gods or something, and you have to make her into a fine lady, etc. I remember how I always screwed up everything and she ended up as a simple housewife. T_T My life is just like that too. You reach a certain point where you think ‘I should have done this instead’ but it’s too late. You can’t go back in time to change it. You will become whatever option is left for you. I don’t wanna be nothing…… I wish it was in my power to become something more than just a person with a simple factory or customer service job. Not to impress anyone. Just because I’m not satisfied enough with this. But I feel like… at this point in my life and whatever options left I have, it would almost take a miracle for me to become a singer. I hope I can do something with my life. I will do my best.
This should be such a happy time for me. If only I had been younger. If I didn’t do so many mistakes. If I wasn’t so alone. But I keep seeing all the things I lost and sometimes it’s hard to face everyday. I feel like a criminal who wakes up one morning and regrets stealing or killing. What can you do to undo anything? You can’t undo. You have to face the consequences. Yet, I wish I could heal people’s wounds. If only my words and actions still mattered. If only the people that matter to me believed them. Sometimes when I think too much, I feel like my heart has just been torn apart in several pieces. So there are times I do my best to block most thoughts. But would that fix anything? If I just stop thinking, will I really get going and fix myself? Would I be smiling again?
I got more plans for the rest of the week. I try to organize things as well as I can. There are times I feel alright, other times I feel extremely stressed out. And then I end up taking a long nap.
I ate too much at lunch today. But it was delicious.
I can’t wait until thursday.
These are pictures I took a little whil back, but I thought of sharing them :
WHO CAN BEAT ME AT CREATING MESSES???? lol. Actually, that’s very shameful.
Sometimes I wonder how I can recreate such messes over and over again. *sighs*
That really destroys my image, doesn’t it? I am human after all.
My lovely mall during the holidays <333
I shall go shopping again for the remaining things I need
Another day, another night.
Goodnight all.~
-Catherine
Today was my first true day off.
I got up early but went back to bed.
So I ended up getting up not so early after all.
I did several things today.
A lot of important things.
To reward myself for working hard, I went to see a movie tonight.
But…………………it wasn’t much of a reward.
This movie depressed me a LOT.
It was some sort of a paranormal psychological movie or something but…er….
T_T The end just killed me.
I should have gone to see something more stupid and cheerful.
^^;;;;;;
Oh well.
I always feel lost after watching something odd. It makes me confused in general.
So I think it’s time to go to bed.
I feel like a lot of things I do aren’t gonna give any results, but there are times some things need to be done.
It should be okay that way.
Goodnight.~
-Catherine
Wow.
I fell for an online scam.
Should I be laughing at myself?
Maybe I fixed it, but I’m not 100% sure.
Hopefully I won’t have to be charged now, otherwise I will have to contest the bill.
Sigh. My stomach hurts a lot.
No. I won’t hate myself. I just felt a little desperate and I slipped.
しっかりしてよ、キャット！！！！！
私は大丈夫なのだ。。。Ｔ＿Ｔ
うん。きっと大丈夫。
-Catherine
Right now, I wouldn’t know where to write or who to send my message to.
I said I’d let go of this blog but I feel like there’s just nowhere for me to run to.
No matter where I run, there’s my shadow running after me.
Whoever might be reading this, this has nothing to do with Youtube or singing or whatsoever.
I just wish I didn’t do all the awful things I did.
Things I didn’t truly have the intention to do, and yet, I did them.
So they’re just as unforgivable.
I know that as living beings, no matter what we do, each of us has to take responsibility.
Yet, all I do is run away and give myself excuses.
I hurt a lot of people.
And there are times I wanna give too much.
So I disobey my own self, my own soul, my own body.
And then I break.
And then I hurt others.
Why is it the people I love the most that I hurt the most?
I love them so much, these people close to me.
I love them too much.
I love them too much and I hate myself.
Then I make them hate me in return.
Is this a punishment I put on myself?
Is this the only way for me to live this life?
No, I don’t want this.
I don’t want this.
I DON’T WANT THIS.
I have to change.
I have to learn to love myself.
I have to make peace inside.
I have to stop envying what others have and what I don’t have.
Of course I’ll never be them.
That should be alright.
That’s how it goes.
There are people who do more awesome things than others.
And that should be alright.
I don’t need to envy them.
I don’t need to have everything others have to be happy, right?
I need to start loving myself in those 2 weeks and a half.
Because I want to have started something new once I arrive in Japan.
I won’t be anywhere perfect.
And that should be alright.
I need to grow.
I need to grow.
And even if I make mistakes, I have to keep going.
And learn to overcome them.
And learn not to do the same things anymore.
If I fall, it’s okay.
We all fall.
But I will learn too.
I must.
Maybe I lost these precious treasures after all.
These people I held dear.
I didn’t know how to make them want to stay.
And no matter what I say or do, it won’t heal their wounds.
I wish I could undo.
I wish I could heal their wounds.
I wish I could pay for my mistakes and yet not have to see them go.
I worked hard, but I didn’t work hard enough.
I worked hard the wrong way.
In my case, probably more than in many other cases, since I seem to be extremely drastic….
I believe that this statement is true….
You have to learn to love yourself if you want to be loved back.
I must learn to forgive myself.
And forgive others.
For not being perfect.
I want to believe that there is a reason why I was born like this.
And face my own trial.
To go to the next step.
I don’t want to believe this was all in vain.
I don’t want to say goodbye to these people.
But if that is the only thing they can do towards me because I can’t undo the bad I did, then I guess there’s nothing I can say or do anymore.
I would apologize forever if I had to. I would do my best to make up for it, somehow.
To make them see how much I care for them.
But more than all this…. I have to love myself.
And only then I will truly be free.
That’s what I think.
Right now, it’s the only way I see that I could change myself.
If I am at peace inside of my heart,
If I learn to trust myself and others,
And most of all, forgive….
Then maybe I can truly keep going.
And not lose the things and people that I hold dear.
If I ever encounter any of them again.
I wonder why sometimes we end up caring so much about a person.
Why they end up meaning the world to us.
And why the hell someone would end up chasing them away when they wanted the opposite.
I’m not sorry for posting this.
I needed to.
And that should be alright.
I have to face my trial.
I have to change.
Because I don’t want to end like this.
I don’t want to have to slit my wrists as a conclusion to this life.
Sometimes I feel like everything is deja vu.
That I’m just doing this again and again.
But maybe that’s just a warning to tell me that I have to change something along the road if I want to see a happy ending.
This time, I’ll say…
Thank you so much for reading, whoever you are.
I needed to have a person to share this with.
Thank you.
-Catherine
