a CAT Break in HIMEKA UNIVERSE

Today wasn’t such a productive day compared to yesterday.

But I still did a few things!

I guess my spirit and motivation went a bit down though…

There used to be a really simple game called ‘Princess Maker’. I don’t know how many of them existed but… I played one of them a while back. You’re this hero who gets to raise this girl from the Gods or something, and you have to make her into a fine lady, etc. I remember how I always screwed up everything and she ended up as a simple housewife. T_T My life is just like that too. You reach a certain point where you think ‘I should have done this instead’ but it’s too late. You can’t go back in time to change it. You will become whatever option is left for you. I don’t wanna be nothing…… I wish it was in my power to become something more than just a person with a simple factory or customer service job. Not to impress anyone. Just because I’m not satisfied enough with this. But I feel like… at this point in my life and whatever options left I have, it would almost take a miracle for me to become a singer. I hope I can do something with my life. I will do my best.

This should be such a happy time for me. If only I had been younger. If I didn’t do so many mistakes. If I wasn’t so alone. But I keep seeing all the things I lost and sometimes it’s hard to face everyday. I feel like a criminal who wakes up one morning and regrets stealing or killing. What can you do to undo anything? You can’t undo. You have to face the consequences. Yet, I wish I could heal people’s wounds. If only my words and actions still mattered. If only the people that matter to me believed them. Sometimes when I think too much, I feel like my heart has just been torn apart in several pieces. So there are times I do my best to block most thoughts. But would that fix anything? If I just stop thinking, will I really get going and fix myself? Would I be smiling again?

I got more plans for the rest of the week. I try to organize things as well as I can. There are times I feel alright, other times I feel extremely stressed out. And then I end up taking a long nap.

I ate too much at lunch today. But it was delicious.

I can’t wait until thursday.

These are pictures I took a little whil back, but I thought of sharing them :

WHO CAN BEAT ME AT CREATING MESSES???? lol. Actually, that’s very shameful.
Sometimes I wonder how I can recreate such messes over and over again. *sighs*
That really destroys my image, doesn’t it? I am human after all.

My lovely mall during the holidays <333
I shall go shopping again for the remaining things I need

Another day, another night.
Goodnight all.~

-Catherine

Today was my first true day off.
I got up early but went back to bed.
So I ended up getting up not so early after all.
I did several things today.
A lot of important things.

To reward myself for working hard, I went to see a movie tonight.
But…………………it wasn’t much of a reward.

This movie depressed me a LOT.
It was some sort of a paranormal psychological movie or something but…er….
T_T The end just killed me.

I should have gone to see something more stupid and cheerful.
^^;;;;;;

Oh well.

I always feel lost after watching something odd. It makes me confused in general.
So I think it’s time to go to bed.

I feel like a lot of things I do aren’t gonna give any results, but there are times some things need to be done.
It should be okay that way.

Goodnight.~

-Catherine

Wow.
I fell for an online scam.
Should I be laughing at myself?
Maybe I fixed it, but I’m not 100% sure.
Hopefully I won’t have to be charged now, otherwise I will have to contest the bill.
Sigh. My stomach hurts a lot.

No. I won’t hate myself. I just felt a little desperate and I slipped.
しっかりしてよ、キャット！！！！！
私は大丈夫なのだ。。。Ｔ＿Ｔ
うん。きっと大丈夫。

-Catherine

Right now, I wouldn’t know where to write or who to send my message to.

I said I’d let go of this blog but I feel like there’s just nowhere for me to run to.

No matter where I run, there’s my shadow running after me.

Whoever might be reading this, this has nothing to do with Youtube or singing or whatsoever.

I just wish I didn’t do all the awful things I did.
Things I didn’t truly have the intention to do, and yet, I did them.
So they’re just as unforgivable.
I know that as living beings, no matter what we do, each of us has to take responsibility.
Yet, all I do is run away and give myself excuses.
I hurt a lot of people.
And there are times I wanna give too much.
So I disobey my own self, my own soul, my own body.
And then I break.
And then I hurt others.
Why is it the people I love the most that I hurt the most?
I love them so much, these people close to me.
I love them too much.
I love them too much and I hate myself.
Then I make them hate me in return.
Is this a punishment I put on myself?
Is this the only way for me to live this life?
No, I don’t want this.
I don’t want this.
I DON’T WANT THIS.
I have to change.
I have to learn to love myself.
I have to make peace inside.
I have to stop envying what others have and what I don’t have.
Of course I’ll never be them.
That should be alright.
That’s how it goes.
There are people who do more awesome things than others.
And that should be alright.
I don’t need to envy them.
I don’t need to have everything others have to be happy, right?
I need to start loving myself in those 2 weeks and a half.
Because I want to have started something new once I arrive in Japan.
I won’t be anywhere perfect.
And that should be alright.
I need to grow.
I need to grow.
And even if I make mistakes, I have to keep going.
And learn to overcome them.
And learn not to do the same things anymore.
If I fall, it’s okay.
We all fall.
But I will learn too.
I must.
Maybe I lost these precious treasures after all.
These people I held dear.
I didn’t know how to make them want to stay.
And no matter what I say or do, it won’t heal their wounds.
I wish I could undo.
I wish I could heal their wounds.
I wish I could pay for my mistakes and yet not have to see them go.
I worked hard, but I didn’t work hard enough.
I worked hard the wrong way.

In my case, probably more than in many other cases, since I seem to be extremely drastic….
I believe that this statement is true….
You have to learn to love yourself if you want to be loved back.

I must learn to forgive myself.
And forgive others.
For not being perfect.
I want to believe that there is a reason why I was born like this.
And face my own trial.
To go to the next step.
I don’t want to believe this was all in vain.
I don’t want to say goodbye to these people.
But if that is the only thing they can do towards me because I can’t undo the bad I did, then I guess there’s nothing I can say or do anymore.
I would apologize forever if I had to. I would do my best to make up for it, somehow.
To make them see how much I care for them.

But more than all this…. I have to love myself.
And only then I will truly be free.
That’s what I think.
Right now, it’s the only way I see that I could change myself.
If I am at peace inside of my heart,
If I learn to trust myself and others,
And most of all, forgive….
Then maybe I can truly keep going.
And not lose the things and people that I hold dear.
If I ever encounter any of them again.

I wonder why sometimes we end up caring so much about a person.
Why they end up meaning the world to us.
And why the hell someone would end up chasing them away when they wanted the opposite.

I’m not sorry for posting this.
I needed to.
And that should be alright.

I have to face my trial.
I have to change.
Because I don’t want to end like this.
I don’t want to have to slit my wrists as a conclusion to this life.
Sometimes I feel like everything is deja vu.
That I’m just doing this again and again.
But maybe that’s just a warning to tell me that I have to change something along the road if I want to see a happy ending.

This time, I’ll say…
Thank you so much for reading, whoever you are.
I needed to have a person to share this with.
Thank you.

-Catherine

I forgot that what is most important is to follow your heart.
How did I forget that…?

My sincerest apologies to the people who have been supporting me so far.
I am not closing on a whim.
I don’t like this, that is all.
I am still going to Japan and still going to do my best.
If things work or don’t work out, so be it.

Good luck to everyone.
Always work hard towards your dreams.
And never forget to follow your heart.
If something feels incredibly wrong, don’t do it. And if something feels so right, don’t let go. Take good care.
Love&Love

-HIMEKA