Wow.
I fell for an online scam.
Should I be laughing at myself?
Maybe I fixed it, but I’m not 100% sure.
Hopefully I won’t have to be charged now, otherwise I will have to contest the bill.
Sigh. My stomach hurts a lot.

No. I won’t hate myself. I just felt a little desperate and I slipped.
しっかりしてよ、キャット！！！！！
私は大丈夫なのだ。。。Ｔ＿Ｔ
うん。きっと大丈夫。

-Catherine

Right now, I wouldn’t know where to write or who to send my message to.

I said I’d let go of this blog but I feel like there’s just nowhere for me to run to.

No matter where I run, there’s my shadow running after me.

Whoever might be reading this, this has nothing to do with Youtube or singing or whatsoever.

I just wish I didn’t do all the awful things I did.
Things I didn’t truly have the intention to do, and yet, I did them.
So they’re just as unforgivable.
I know that as living beings, no matter what we do, each of us has to take responsibility.
Yet, all I do is run away and give myself excuses.
I hurt a lot of people.
And there are times I wanna give too much.
So I disobey my own self, my own soul, my own body.
And then I break.
And then I hurt others.
Why is it the people I love the most that I hurt the most?
I love them so much, these people close to me.
I love them too much.
I love them too much and I hate myself.
Then I make them hate me in return.
Is this a punishment I put on myself?
Is this the only way for me to live this life?
No, I don’t want this.
I don’t want this.
I DON’T WANT THIS.
I have to change.
I have to learn to love myself.
I have to make peace inside.
I have to stop envying what others have and what I don’t have.
Of course I’ll never be them.
That should be alright.
That’s how it goes.
There are people who do more awesome things than others.
And that should be alright.
I don’t need to envy them.
I don’t need to have everything others have to be happy, right?
I need to start loving myself in those 2 weeks and a half.
Because I want to have started something new once I arrive in Japan.
I won’t be anywhere perfect.
And that should be alright.
I need to grow.
I need to grow.
And even if I make mistakes, I have to keep going.
And learn to overcome them.
And learn not to do the same things anymore.
If I fall, it’s okay.
We all fall.
But I will learn too.
I must.
Maybe I lost these precious treasures after all.
These people I held dear.
I didn’t know how to make them want to stay.
And no matter what I say or do, it won’t heal their wounds.
I wish I could undo.
I wish I could heal their wounds.
I wish I could pay for my mistakes and yet not have to see them go.
I worked hard, but I didn’t work hard enough.
I worked hard the wrong way.

In my case, probably more than in many other cases, since I seem to be extremely drastic….
I believe that this statement is true….
You have to learn to love yourself if you want to be loved back.

I must learn to forgive myself.
And forgive others.
For not being perfect.
I want to believe that there is a reason why I was born like this.
And face my own trial.
To go to the next step.
I don’t want to believe this was all in vain.
I don’t want to say goodbye to these people.
But if that is the only thing they can do towards me because I can’t undo the bad I did, then I guess there’s nothing I can say or do anymore.
I would apologize forever if I had to. I would do my best to make up for it, somehow.
To make them see how much I care for them.

But more than all this…. I have to love myself.
And only then I will truly be free.
That’s what I think.
Right now, it’s the only way I see that I could change myself.
If I am at peace inside of my heart,
If I learn to trust myself and others,
And most of all, forgive….
Then maybe I can truly keep going.
And not lose the things and people that I hold dear.
If I ever encounter any of them again.

I wonder why sometimes we end up caring so much about a person.
Why they end up meaning the world to us.
And why the hell someone would end up chasing them away when they wanted the opposite.

I’m not sorry for posting this.
I needed to.
And that should be alright.

I have to face my trial.
I have to change.
Because I don’t want to end like this.
I don’t want to have to slit my wrists as a conclusion to this life.
Sometimes I feel like everything is deja vu.
That I’m just doing this again and again.
But maybe that’s just a warning to tell me that I have to change something along the road if I want to see a happy ending.

This time, I’ll say…
Thank you so much for reading, whoever you are.
I needed to have a person to share this with.
Thank you.

-Catherine

I forgot that what is most important is to follow your heart.
How did I forget that…?

My sincerest apologies to the people who have been supporting me so far.
I am not closing on a whim.
I don’t like this, that is all.
I am still going to Japan and still going to do my best.
If things work or don’t work out, so be it.

Good luck to everyone.
Always work hard towards your dreams.
And never forget to follow your heart.
If something feels incredibly wrong, don’t do it. And if something feels so right, don’t let go. Take good care.
Love&Love

-HIMEKA