Yesterday I had fun and played Odin's Sphere with Kalainen... Although I was mostly cleaning the kitchen as she played, I enjoyed that, especially if it makes her mom happy.
Odin's sphere looks like a decently interesting game. At first both Kalainen and I disliked the graphics, but it grew on us.
At 7 pm I had to go home... I walked in the door and heard the television going upstairs, meaning dad was home. I quietly walked up the stairs and glanced in his direction. He glanced back but said nothing, so I silently went into my room and locked the door. I took my computer out and started looking at 4chan for a while when I heard him call me at 8 oclock, saying it was time to take my medicine. I went into the kitchen and he was standing there. When I looked at the medicine I was supposed to take there was more than usual, so I hid a lot of it in my sleeves... Honestly, when I take it I fall asleep in like 30 minutes. I don't want to take his fucking medicine. He said nothing but watched me take my medicine. When I finished I walked back to my room without a word and locked the door.
At 8:30 I decided to tell him I was going to bed because if I did that he might be angry enough to forget I had my computer and wouldn't take it at all. I went out and he was doing something on his own computer. I told him I was going to bed and he said okay without even turning to face me. I went back to my room and fooled around on the net until 10 pm or so...
Woke up around 5am and ate breakfast at 7am before my dad woke up. He had left the pills on the counter, I suppose so he wouldn't have to talk to me. I put them in my pocket so that it'd look like I'd taken them, then went back to my room and locked the door. Before he left he called and said to take my pills but I didn't. He told me he wanted me to be home by five so we could discuss the previous night.
He probably just wants to increase the amount of medicine I take. Like he ever wants to talk with me. If I do something wrong he immediately threatens me by taking something away, saying I should move out, taking me to a psychologist. He needs to fucking deal with me himself. He needs to listen to me and be a fucking adult for once.
I'm terrified of turning 18... I'm terrified of becoming an adult. I don't know what'll happen. I have a feeling he'll change the locks when I turn 18. Honestly, since age 12 or so I've never expected to live to be 18... Now that it's coming up, I feel more and more terrified everyday. I want to die. Writing it in English in itself is scary, just because if my dad were to see it he would have more proof to have me locked in that fucking hospital again. I don't need a hospital. There are so many things I want to do, but I have the feeling that time is ticking away way too fast. I can't handle it and break down... I just want to have fun, do things that an adult can't do until I'm 18... I just want to enjoy life until October 28th... I want to hang out with friends, play games, do all the things most people my age seem to be doing. I have the feeling my life was wasted up until now and it's frustrating... I've lost the will to do most things. I don't want to go to school. I get irritable and don't want to talk to people... I just don't want to be here. I have the sense that I'm losing time and it bothers me.
My psychology teacher was talking to us yesterday about how the human brain is constantly in denial of important things. For example, all of us are going to die. However, if we considered that, then considered the fact that we are wasting precious moments of our life inside his classroom, wouldn't we freak out? The answer is yes. I feel like that everyday.
Today I'm ditching.