全 58 件のコメント

[–]Akavinceblack 147 ポイント148 ポイント  (3子コメント)

Gaining fifty pounds in a year is a lot....

But how much "a lot" takes you to depends on where you start.

How thin was "gorgeous and thin"? 95 lbs? 115? 125?

Coupled with "not the sharpest tool in the shed" and the lukewarm praise of her general diligence as her most attractive personal traits....I don't know, maybe she's better off with OP moving onto someone else thin, dumb and diligent and her buying some jeans that fit her body now.

[–]DebateExposesDoubt 79 ポイント80 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Chubby chick here, can confirm that jeans come in many sizes.

[–]WATDOEJIJDAAR 26 ポイント27 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Oh my god right? Jeez, I hope OP goes off and finds himself a new, skinny, 'not the brightest tool in the shed'

[–]lydecool 146 ポイント147 ポイント  (14子コメント)

My wife was...not the sharpest tool in the shed

It doesn't seem like you can think of much that you like about your wife other than her superficial appearance, which is concerning. It sounds like there must be something else missing from your relationship besides the weight gain. If not, your reasons for considering leaving her seem really shallow.

[–]KittyWithASnapback 14 ポイント15 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Are we not gonna talk about how the wife no longer wants to work (which means OP will have to cover more expenses)?

[–]lamamaloca -1 ポイント0 ポイント  (0子コメント)

We're not going to talk about anything that makes her seem at fault.

[–]VanillaStrawberry 11 ポイント12 ポイント  (0子コメント)

You can still like and love someone even if you think they're not the smartest person ever, even if you value intelligence. Peope have different qualities and not everyone has to be smart.

[–]Kittykittymeowmeow_ 25 ポイント26 ポイント  (0子コメント)

If you've tried to talk to her before and she's not receptive, you could try sitting her down and kindly but firmly telling her that she's changed very much since you married her and it's got nothing to do with her rights as a woman, it's about your marriage and the fact that she is a totally different person than she was when you married (from the sound of things.) If you want to stay with her tell her therapy is needed- if she refuses therapy you either live with it or divorce. I'm sorry.

[–]luminiia 20 ポイント21 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Could she be depressed? Could she be gaining weight from inactivity r/t her depression? She could be really sensitive about the weight gain and trying to come up with excuses as to why it happened, or over compensating by saying she's happy with it, curvy is sexy etc etc.

Truth is, most people don't turn from a healthy, active and ambitious person into a unmotivated and unhealthy person overnight. Try to get at the root of those issues and you might see this attitude shift.

As well, try to incorporate some healthy hobbies for the both of you. Start eating better together, go on romantic walks, maybe sign up for a yoga class. Start small, be with her every step of the way, and hopefully she will like the improvement she sees.

[–]DutchGualle 6 ポイント7 ポイント  (0子コメント)

A little more information about her old personality would be handy here. Does she seem less happy/have fewer activities/enjoy her hobbies any less? Did something big happen, like a life change? Different friend group, moved to different area, etc.? How often is she out of the house to see friends?

If she's overall less interested in things she used to enjoy, is having less fun, has difficulty enjoying things, sleeps a lot more, is difficult to motivate, less responsive, has fewer interests to talk about, seems more and more boring and bored, she may be sliding into a depression.

Gaining 50 pounds just for the hell of it or because of a body positivity movement, I don't think anyone just does that. Something's up. She's probably using those new interests as a crutch because her body is changing because of her lack of effort or perhaps a health problem.

[–]Birdy1072 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Well, other than the interesting comments you made about your wife, I'd say to you what I'd say to anyone else: you have the right to not be attracted to your SO anymore, but is that what you want the relationship (your marriage) to depend on?

If you want to talk to her, you need to be honest but nice.

[–]jupiterisagirl 51 ポイント52 ポイント  (3子コメント)

Leave her. She deserves someone better who's not going to attempt to control how she looks for their own sexual gratification. She's not a thing you own. I think she'd be happier without you eventually. You insinuated you think of her as stupid, lazy and fat in this post.

[–]lebleus 5 ポイント6 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Well she doesn't work because eventually she os inheriting money, so I would say lazy is correct.
She got 50 pounds in a year, so either is fat or getting there very soon (major problem for OPs attraction/sex life).
Stupid we don't have much in terms of facts, so 2/3, he should still leave her but for his own sake.

[–]electrikskies1 -1 ポイント0 ポイント  (1子コメント)

But how can "body positive" mean being unhealthy?

[–]Merosi 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

because "body positive" can take the form of "health at every size" where people are in denial about medical issues arising from being overweight.

[–]now_I_feelafel 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Everything else aside, if you're not compatible, you're not compatible. An SO suddenly refusing to work for no good reason would be a dealbreaker for me.

[–]ilovemyjames 13 ポイント14 ポイント  (0子コメント)

So she gained weight and quit working out of pure laziness? I don't blame you. Those are some incredibly unattractive behaviors. Tell her to get it together because she's becoming unattractive to you. Yes, it will hurt her feelings-be tactful when you tell her-but she needs to get her ass in gear. "I'll just quit working because I've got an inheritance coming my way, lol," wtf?? That's so.....lazy!

[–]noticeablenobody 10 ポイント11 ポイント  (23子コメント)

Let the woman be. She's not living for you; she's living for herself. Are you living for yourself? Are you thinking about a divorce?

[–]nsfwhun 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Let me know if I'm interpreting this incorrectly; I know a lot of context/tone can get lost via text:

When you both got married, you valued her for a lot of traits separate from her academic intellect, including: diligence (both for work and keeping a personal routine), her personal life/work/hobby balance, mutual chemistry, and (this is an assumption but I feel like it's safe) a generally stable relationship and interest shared with you. I couldn't tell if you two had a lot in common re: shared hobbies/interests, but it seems like you two functioned well together otherwise? Am I understanding this correctly?

Now that time has passed, you've started to become frustrated (and maybe a bit resentful) of these changes; she doesn't seem invested in work/has lost ambition, she seems to have lost interest in keeping a schedule or routine that keeps her health, she has become less agreeable/uses her newfound interest in activism as a defensive measure whenever you raise concerns about her changes in personal appearance/personal standards, and may also be spending a lot more time around the house/with you (couldn't tell if not working meant she was at home).

So, beyond just "body changing/weight gain" and "loss of chemistry", it sounds like you may also be dealing with a change in lifestyle goals/compatibility, am I right...? You may also be spending a lot more time/have a lot less personal time if she's around the house, you may be frustrated by the personality shift (being driven versus complacent), and also confused/frustrated at the shutting down of you raising concerns because she interprets them as an attack on her personhood/individuality (you address her appearence, she feels invalidated/as if you are attacking her womanhood and/or freedom of choice, whereas you feel like it is an issue as a couple/as a husband and want to be heard out).

Does this sound accurate so far...?

It sounds like this body positivity interest is covering for other issues that are common and insidious around 7+ years of marriage: complacency, lack of intimacy (beyond just sexual), a shift in power dynamics/challenging each other as a form of determining independence and boundaries, and some communication issues that leave both of you feeling defensive, stressed, and less loving towards each other.

In a relationship that was otherwise super happy and healthy, conversations where she shuts you down may be unpleasant but wouldn't feel so hopelessly negative; sort of like a drop in a pond, these issues ripple into all other areas of relationships.

I have some more thoughts, but I'd like to make sure that I'm not misreading the situation; what do you think about what I've said so far...?

[–]lamamaloca 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

In the past people have gotten much more sympathetic answers to similar questions. You are not unusual or shallow for losing attraction after a fifty pound weight gain, and attraction is essential to a relationship. It sounds like there were also some significant personality and habit changes. Most women would not be happy if their husband quit his job, gave up healthy habits and gained a lot of weight, either. Who would want this?

I would come at this from a place of concern. "I'm worried about how you've given up habits that were healthy and important to you in the past. I had found these to be some of your most attractive qualities. Your goals seem quite different to what they once were, and you've gained a lot of weight. Can we talk about what has changed?"

[–]alsjdflksdjflk -1 ポイント0 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Wow "Not the sharpest tool in the shed" I hope your wife finds someone who respects her as a human being. Jesus