Thanks to /jokes for a lot of these!

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What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

A suicide vest will blow you.

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What’s the difference between a feminist and a terrorist?

You can sometimes negotiate with a terrorist.

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My wife heard it's seductive to bite her lip...

I don't have the heart to tell her it's meant to be the bottom one.

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My wife's cooking is so bad...

... we pray after we eat.

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A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out:

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

He turned around and said, "So, now you want me to stay?"

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How are hurricanes like ex-wives?

They come wet & wild, and end up taking your house.

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A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed

"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.

"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"

"I remember," she says.

"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"

"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"

"I would have gotten out today."

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AWALT, ALWAYS

After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live.

His wife tearfully says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget." They make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years.

When they're done, Bob asks his wife, "Can we do it again?" This time it's even more passionate.

Later, as she is about to doze off, Bob gives her a nudge and says, "Honey, I know it's getting late, but I think we can do it one more time."

"That's easy for you to say," she complains. "You don't have to get up in the morning."

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A married man's prayer

Dear God,

You gave me childhood, you took it away.

You gave me youth, you took it away.

You gave me a wife.... Its been years now...

Just reminding you.

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Tarzan Does Jane

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh ....Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, stepped closer to her, and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air, and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first".

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Skunk Hole

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, “Look, it’s shivering … it must be cold. What should I do?”

He says, “Put it between your legs.”

She says, “What about the smell?”

He says, “Hold its nose.”

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The Chivalrous Husband

A woman goes into labor at the hospital. The husband asks if there is anything he can do to help ease the process for his wife.

The doctor says "there is an experimental process that allows the father to endure various levels of the pain of childbirth. It's new and untested, but it's all you can do."

"I'll do it. Anything to help," the husband replies.

So the wife is in labor and the doctors test the waters by only allowing the husband to handle 10% of the pain.

"Do you feel anything? Pain? Discomfort?" The doctor asks.

"No, I feel great," the husband answers. "Turn it up more."

The doctor increases the amount to 20%, then 30% and 50%.

"Doc I'm not feeling a thing! Turn it all the way up!"

The doctor sets it at maximum, and the child is born with no pain to the wife or husband, and they're able to walk out the next morning.

It was when they arrived at home that they found the milkman dead on their doorstep.