By Ryann Connell Staff Writer & Eric Yong Distributer
Lack of sex was once blamed as a leading cause of divorce. But in Japan, recently, increasing numbers of couples are perfectly happy despite years without sex and the idea of ending their nuptials is anathema, according to AERA (8/2).
A 35-year-old woman identified only as Mrs. A is delighted with her nine-year marriage, though sex has barely factored in it at any time, dwindling down to about once a month before they tied the knot, growing increasingly sparse after that and non-existent for the past seven years.
Both Mrs. A and her husband work long hours and when she did approach him for a little loving, he turned her down, saying he was too tired.
"But we've maintained as close a friendship as ever. We talk about anything and he knows me better than anybody else. He's right by my side every time something goes wrong and I still think he's the perfect guy for me," Mrs. A tells AERA. "We gradually stopped seeing each other as sex objects. I trust him the same way I trust my parents. He's a really important person. We're family, we're good friends and we're happy. We just don't see each other as sex partners."
Mrs. A says her husband is probably playing around outside the home, but adds this doesn't particularly bother her. In fact, she says she'll probably find somebody else for her own fun if she ever gets he urge. Recently, Mrs. A concedes she's started to worry about her sexless marriage, but only because her body clock is ticking and her hubby may be tempted to have children with somebody else. But she adds that her options remain open.
"If we keep on going like this until I'm 40, there's always invitro-fertilization."
Another 30-something couple, this time called the Bs, also cite tough work demands as a major reason for the disappearance of their connubials, but add they're also perfectly content merely with each other's company.
"We're happy with our shared hobbies and work, so there's nothing bad about not having sex," Mrs. B tells AERA, a magazine targeting liberated women.
Mrs. B noticed a sudden change at 36 when she developed an insatiable craving for motherhood and turned the tap on once again.
"Even though we started having sex again, it was only on days when the chances of conceiving were good," she says, adding a prediction that the couple will revert to a sexless state after their baby has come along.
Mayumi Futamatsu, who recently published a bestseller about sexless couples, notes that they're hardly rare in modern Japan.
"Much of the urban intelligentsia is filled with couples that get on great, but don't have sex," she tells AERA. "Cities are packed with activities apart from sex that tempt couples. Getting out of a sexless state is a little harder. You've got to get away from your mobile phones and computers and TVs. Taking a trip is the best way. When I re-married, I spent a couple of weeks relaxing in Tahiti. It was great waking up in the morning and thinking, 'Well, what'll I do with myself today?' That's the way people really should live, I believe."
Toshiki Nishizawa, a counselor with the @ Heart Clinic in Tokyo, however, doesn't see too many positives in a sexless union.
"With sexless couples who remain good friends, I see many that are suffering from a communication problem. They're too concerned with trying to maintain a decent relationship, they unconsciously stifle their anger or anxieties. Emotions aren't something that should be ignored. The anger remains just below the surface," the shrink tells AERA. "People can't have sex with somebody they're mad at. They may not realize it, but sexlessness is an expression of anger and many times it's a way for one partner to attack another."
 |  By Ryann Connell Staff Writer & Eric Yong Distributer
Lack of sex was once blamed as a leading cause of divorce. But in Japan, recently, increasing numbers of couples are perfectly happy despite years without sex and the idea of ending their nuptials is anathema, according to AERA (8/2).
A 35-year-old woman identified only as Mrs. A is delighted with her nine-year marriage, though sex has barely factored in it at any time, dwindling down to about once a month before they tied the knot, growing increasingly sparse after that and non-existent for the past seven years.
Both Mrs. A and her husband work long hours and when she did approach him for a little loving, he turned her down, saying he was too tired.
"But we've maintained as close a friendship as ever. We talk about anything and he knows me better than anybody else. He's right by my side every time something goes wrong and I still think he's the perfect guy for me," Mrs. A tells AERA. "We gradually stopped seeing each other as sex objects. I trust him the same way I trust my parents. He's a really important person. We're family, we're good friends and we're happy. We just don't see each other as sex partners."
Mrs. A says her husband is probably playing around outside the home, but adds this doesn't particularly bother her. In fact, she says she'll probably find somebody else for her own fun if she ever gets he urge. Recently, Mrs. A concedes she's started to worry about her sexless marriage, but only because her body clock is ticking and her hubby may be tempted to have children with somebody else. But she adds that her options remain open.
"If we keep on going like this until I'm 40, there's always invitro-fertilization."
Another 30-something couple, this time called the Bs, also cite tough work demands as a major reason for the disappearance of their connubials, but add they're also perfectly content merely with each other's company.
"We're happy with our shared hobbies and work, so there's nothing bad about not having sex," Mrs. B tells AERA, a magazine targeting liberated women.
Mrs. B noticed a sudden change at 36 when she developed an insatiable craving for motherhood and turned the tap on once again.
"Even though we started having sex again, it was only on days when the chances of conceiving were good," she says, adding a prediction that the couple will revert to a sexless state after their baby has come along.
Mayumi Futamatsu, who recently published a bestseller about sexless couples, notes that they're hardly rare in modern Japan.
"Much of the urban intelligentsia is filled with couples that get on great, but don't have sex," she tells AERA. "Cities are packed with activities apart from sex that tempt couples. Getting out of a sexless state is a little harder. You've got to get away from your mobile phones and computers and TVs. Taking a trip is the best way. When I re-married, I spent a couple of weeks relaxing in Tahiti. It was great waking up in the morning and thinking, 'Well, what'll I do with myself today?' That's the way people really should live, I believe."
Toshiki Nishizawa, a counselor with the @ Heart Clinic in Tokyo, however, doesn't see too many positives in a sexless union.
"With sexless couples who remain good friends, I see many that are suffering from a communication problem. They're too concerned with trying to maintain a decent relationship, they unconsciously stifle their anger or anxieties. Emotions aren't something that should be ignored. The anger remains just below the surface," the shrink tells AERA. "People can't have sex with somebody they're mad at. They may not realize it, but sexlessness is an expression of anger and many times it's a way for one partner to attack another."  Heh...sexless marriage eh?
Not my cup of tea.... |
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