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I would just like to go on record and say that I have nothing whatsoever to do with this bunch of low-lifes who denigrate the good name of the noble substance.
And I have just been diagnosed as being allergic to orgasms, so cheese is all I have to live for these days.
Orgasm allergies nothing to sneeze at
By Ryann Connell
Staff Writer
April 26, 2002
Does a bit of slap and tickle bring on the sniffles? Is your nose the only thing that needs to blow during sex? How many uses can you find for Kleenex after copulation?
That fever you feel after a raunchy romp may not be the result of randiness. You could, if Shukan Jitsuwa (5/9) can be trusted, be allergic to orgasms.
Shukan Jitsuwa notes that a Dutch doctor announced on April 14 that he was treating a number of who've come down with flu-like symptoms that begin from the moment of intimate ecstasy.
Though detailed research hasn't been devoted to the issue, Japanese experts are prepared to look at the theory of orgasm allergies with an open mind.
"It's a fact that people with allergies have increased drastically in number since the end of the war. Including items like pollen, house dust, mites, eggs and dairy products, we know of the existence of about 200 types of allergens, the bodies that cause allergies. Allergies send the body's immune system awry. Plenty of factors have led to the increase in allergies, such as greater use of chemicals and heightened stress. It's a sure bet the number of allergies in existence will increase from now on in," Minoru Toride, a pediatrician specializing in allergies, tells Shukan Jitsuwa.
"Currently, we don't know exactly what signals the body sends out when it orgasms and there's been no research to back up suggestions that there's a connection to allergies. But, we can't rule out the possibility that somebody will find a connection between orgasms and allergic reactions."
Some commentators feel the Dutch doctor's findings are more political than medical.
"People aren't telling you that he wasn't supposed to announce the discovery of the first patient for 12 months. And the research results haven't come out yet. Making an announcement about the existence of orgasm allergies without doing any research into the claim is like as though he's trying to scare people off sex," says a man identified only as Mr. S, who Shukan Jitsuwa says is an expert on sex services throughout out the world.
Jitsuwa's sex expert says that liberal attitudes in the Netherlands toward euthanasia, soft drugs and, particularly, prostitution have probably prompted the doctor to come up with the theory of orgasm allergies. Mr. S claims that Dutch permissiveness toward marijuana and hashish has opened the door to widespread use of harder drugs and legalized prostitution has resulted in an influx of foreign sex sellers who've driven the bottom out of the market. He says the finding is nothing more than a political ploy by someone from the conservative side of Dutch life who yearns for a return to the good old days.
"With prostitute's customer numbers already on the decline, news that sex causes allergies is only going to drive people further away from ship window prostitutes," Mr. S tells Shukan Jitsuwa. "Prostitution was legalized under the current government. A general election is due shortly in the Netherlands. The timing of the news was too good. I'd hate to think that an illness was being used for political purposes, but you can't rule out that possibility."